Tis the season.

Last weekend was a whirlwind of last minute shopping trips, curling and re-curling all the little girls' hair, and dancing under strings of tiny lights to celebrate the fact that these two finally tied the knot. 

They're perfect for each other--and Desiree is perfect for our family. 

Weddings are magical. 

I love love. 

I love weddings.

I love Andy + I love Des. 

I love that they found each other. 

Because of Him.

When Easter rolls around I can't help but get a little emotional.

Easter is the embodiment of every thing I love about this gospel. 

Resurrection, and our ability to become perfect. 

The Atonement, and the healing power it brings to our lives. 

The Plan of Salvation--and the opportunity to be with our families forever. 

Today is the perfect reminder of why we're even here in the first place.

The hashtag #becauseofHim has been popping up all over my social media lately. 

It's Easter Sunday, and 140 characters just isn't going to cut it today. 

Because of Him. 

Because of Him, I know that the mistakes I make every day are things I can be forgiven of. 

Because of Him, I know there's somebody who feels exactly how I'm feeling every moment of every day. 

Because of Him, I know that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and is looking out for me. 

Because of Him, I know that there is a life after death. 

Today, I am especially grateful for the Plan of Salvation. I attended Bronson's grandpa's funeral this morning, and was overwhelmed with gratitude for the knowledge we have of an eternal family. I had only spoken with Jerry twice, but the goodness that radiated from him was incredible. As his family paid tribute to him and celebrated his life today, I said a silent prayer of thanks for the wonderful people I have had the opportunity to interact with in my life--the Kunzler's in particular. 

Four years ago, when my Grandma was in the ICU, Bronson showed up at my door with a bouquet of flowers and an offer to sit with me as I tried to handle what felt like my entire world falling apart around me. Later that week, he and his mom appeared once again at my door the night of my Grandma's viewing with a hug and a simple reminder that I would see my grandma again. 

Four years later, as that same sweet boy is teaching people in Detroit about the Plan of Salvation, I watched Karen say goodbye to her dad and [wished with every part of me that Bronson could be there] was grateful for temples, forever families, and the knowledge of a life after death. 

Because of Him, I know that my family will be together forever. 

Who wouldn't want to be with these monkeys forever?

Happy Easter, lovelies. 

A bit unusual.

A tree made out of stuffed animals. 

Sounds crazy, right? Probably.

But I couldn't imagine Christmas without it. 

It's another tradition my Grandma started, but this one began before I was even born. 

It started on an old ladder with stuffed animals bound and tied to the frame, and became a pyramid frame with hooks when my Grandpa realized the tradition wasn't going anywhere. 

When my mom and her siblings all had homes and families of their own, the frame was adapted to a shower rod and peg boards in graduating sizes to make the tree shape you see now. 

Not only is this tradition unique to the Bell's, but each tree is different from house to house--except for one thing:

My Grandma loved the idea of the lamb and the lion, and each family has their own lamb and lion to place somewhere on the tree. 

The fact that it reminds me so much of my grandma is reason enough for me to love it--and look forward to "The Animal Tree" and it's decorating each year. 

It's different, but it's beautiful. 

What are some Christmas traditions that are unique to you and your family? 

One of many.

As cliche as it may sound, the holidays are my favorite time of year. 

I love the chaos of a million family events, the smell of our Christmas tree, and the glow of the fireplace burning all day long. 

Sandwiched between the typical holiday parties and gatherings, my family holds a couple of traditions that mark some of my favorite days of the year. 

When I was little, my grandma would devote an entire Saturday to gingerbread houses--and not just any gingerbread houses. What began as your typical four-walled creations quickly escalated to castles and train stations and airports and mansions, with dozens of frosting colors and candy types to decorate with. The enormous creations we would make were extravagant and some would say over-the-top. But we loved those gingerbread houses. 

After my grandma passed away my junior year of high school, my mom wanted a way to carry on that tradition, but without the craziness and elaborate architecture. 

So....96 sugar cookies and six bags of royal icing later, you have our cousin Christmas cookie decorating party. 

By the end of the night, it's nearly impossible to tell what is a "decorated" cookie and what is merely a pile of icing that spilled from the frosting bag, but watching the little kids decorate their cookies and then show them off--before eating them of course--is always an adventure. 

[And by the looks of the cookies we had this year, these kiddos are getting pretty darn good at using those icing bags.]

December is one of my favorite months of the year, and the next couple of posts are going to show why that is exactly. From my lucky day, to Christmas Eve traditions and everywhere in between...here's to the happiest month of the year.

The reasons why.

It's the season of gratitude, and I have so much to be grateful for (50 things in this post to be exact). So settle down for a long one. 

50. My heated blanket: because when I woke up this morning and the heat had been turned down below 50 degrees, I could turn it up, and climb back into bed until it warmed up. 

49. Emilie Anne Facer: because everybody needs a twin sister who sticks it out through all the stupid decisions, crazy weekends, and missionary meltdowns. 

48. The Book of Mormon: because after a 23 hour day of school, work, meetings, and friends, the scriptures put everything back into perspective and help me refocus my life. 

47. Judith Anne Roche: because she had a pretty good reason to pretend like I didn't exist, and let me have a second chance instead. Because at 1 am when I'm approaching meltdown point, she understands me and knows exactly what to say. Because she understands me. #yousneakymom

46. Utah State University: because becoming an Aggie is the best decision I ever made, and I can't even begin to describe how much I love my school. I'll bleed blue til the end of time. 

45. Leggings: because sometimes pants are just way too much effort. 

44. Lauren Adamson: because she's lived with me for over a year now and still puts up with my quirks. She listens to me rant, complain, and talk her ear off, and makes me laugh on a daily basis. Because she's a constant example to me of what I want to become. 

43. The post office in the TSC: because when I'm an awful person and forget to write that missionary of mine, the two old men that work there are always curious about how "my friend in Michigan" is doing and if he's been writing me back. 

42. Dr. Pepper: because nothing puts me in a better mood faster or cures the migraines that seem to attack every five seconds.

41. Mary Alayna Lindberg: because she's the reason I try to be the best I can every day. Because she makes me laugh like nobody else can. Because she's my best friend. 

40. My car: because sometimes I just need to leave, get out. 

39. Emily Breanne Elliott: because she taught me how fast an irreplaceable friendship can be made, and tests my patience like nobody else. Because even in Paris, she knows what I need. 

38. Professor Smitten: because a compliment from him is worth a million dollars, and the desire for one of those compliments pushes me harder and further than I've ever been. 

37. Morgan Elizabeth Coles: because she's been there since 8th grade and knows my fears and dreams better than anyone else. Because I know that even when we go months without seeing each other, we can pick right back up where we left off. 

36. Hockey: because it introduced me to some of the best people in my life. Because it gave me an excuse to go somewhere on a Wednesday night. Because it makes me feel like my best friend isn't quite so far away. 

35. My parents: because I wouldn't be here without them. Because they support me in everything I do. Because they made me the person I am today. 

34. Fine-tip ball-point pens: because I don't have room in my schedule for medium-tip, and it's the little things that make me happy. 

33. Braxton Moon: because nobody else can say that they've stuck around for six years. Because he's the only constant in my world full of change. Because he shares his hoodies, gummy bears, and happy hippos with me.

32. My major: because there's nothing else in the world that I love more than words, books, and talking. 

31. Trent Morrison: because he listens to my endless whining, goes shopping with me, and not only understands, but exceeds my love for Beyonce. Because he's a good cuddle buddy, and an even better friend. 

30. Glitter: because it's hard to be sad when you're sparkly. 

29. Ashley Allen: because she's the big sister I've always wanted and finally have. Because she gives me advice that no one else can. Because we're the same person, in so many ways it's terrifying. 

28. Coldstone: because red velvet ice cream can solve any problem in the world. Because ice cream is one thing that brings me and Jon Downing closer than anything else. 

27. Bronson Kunzler: because nobody makes me feel more loved, important, or special like he does. Because he knows everything about me and still thinks I'm incredible. Because he's the boy who has a majority of my heart. 

26. Kappa Delta: because a girl can never have too many sisters. 

25. My bed: because nothing feels better than a dozen pillows, blankets and my giraffe after an exhausting day. 

24. The Snitches of 102: because I wouldn't have survived my first year of college without them. Because they're my best friends, and the ones I would do anything for. 

23. Farmington, Utah: because regardless of where I live, nowhere brings me as much comfort, happiness, and nostalgia as Farmington's Main Street. 

22. These boys: because they've put up with me for five months and still make me laugh harder than anybody else. Because even though they drive me absolutely crazy, they're the best boys I know. 

21.  Country music: because Luke has my heart, Carrie understands, and Miranda tells it like it is. 

20. My Soarority girls: because they made this summer unforgettable and keep me sane. Because they're the best friends a girl could ask for. 

19. My planner: because there's no other way to keep track of my psychotic life. 

18. The Kunzler's: because they let me steal Bronson far too often. Because they let me in on their game nights. Because they're some of the most Christlike, selfless people I know and I'm blessed to have their family play such a huge part in my life. 

17. The piano: because when you can't leave the house and need to escape, nothing works better than Cristofori's Dream.

16. Hailee Jane Henson: because she understands my loathing of cancer. Because she inspires me to be a better person. Because she's the best example I've ever had. 

15. Hair-dye: because when you need a change but can't do a whole lot, it gives me a new start and a renewed sense of confidence. 

14. My cousins: because they're 30+ little minions who love me unconditionally. Because they give me a reason to be a good example. Because they cure me of my baby-hunger. 

13. A-Team: because it gave me the best summer job I'll ever have. Because I made 45 friends I wouldn't have made anywhere else. Because it made my summer unforgettable. 

12. My little brother: because he likes the same music I do and shares my love for In-n-Out shakes. Because he lets me beat him up....not. Because he makes me laugh. 

11. Sigma Phi Epsilon: because those boys have given me some of the greatest boys I've ever known. Whether it's Derek running to Hobby Lobby with me, Dusty dancing while I do my homework, Trevor going to dinner with me in his pajamas, Kurt giving me life advice, Zack finding me new music, Brady giving me a compliment, Kendall hacking my computer, or Matt experiencing Pumpkin Spice Lattes for the first time, these boys provide me with daily entertainment and friendships that I value more than I can express. Because I'd do anything for them and am blessed to call them friends. 

10. Marley McClune: because she accompanied me on a thousand adventures this summer and understands my soft drink addiction.

9. The temple: because it's given me the most important goal in my life and allowed me to have an eternal family. Because there's nothing more important to me than getting there someday with the boy I love, and the lessons we learn there are the most important knowledge I'll ever have. 

8. Liz Rumball: because she reminds me to wear my shoes, eat on a regular basis, and do my homework. Because at 2 am, she's the one I'm talking to in my car. Because she'll drop anything and everything to help me out. 

7. My oldest little sister: because she makes me food and watches movies with me. Because she shops with me even when she doesn't want to. Because she does everything with me and is my first best friend. 

6. My Viewmont boys: because high school was different because of them. Because they're my favorite dates, pen pals, and missionaries. Because they've changed my life--and continue to do so every day. 

5. Home: because whether it's Logan, Farmington, Kaysville, or anywhere with my best friends, I love the memories that accompany each place. 

4. My grandma: because she's my biggest hero and the greatest example I'll ever have. 

3. The priesthood: because whether it's a bishop's advice, a father's blessing, or my patriarchal blessing, I know what I'm hearing is coming from my Father in Heaven. 

2. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints: because it makes sense when nothing else does. Because it never changes and is the sure foundation I need. Because it continually changes my life and allows me to serve in ways otherwise impossible. Because it's the only true church, and everything I need. 

1. My life: because as crazy and chaotic as it seems at times, I truly love every single aspect of it. Because I'm grateful for everything I get to do, the experiences I have, and the people I'm surrounded by. 

I'm a lucky girl, and I am very, very, blessed. 

Don't slow down.

GUYS. 

As I was going through my countdown app today looking at my many reminders, I realized something. 

Tomorrow? Miss Emily will have been Sister Elliott for six whole months. 

Which means....I GET TO SEE MY BEST FRIEND IN 365 DAYS. 

There'll be a whole lot more of this ^^^^ sooner than you think, but not soon enough for me to handle. 

She's my best friend, my honorary twin, and my adopted sister. 

And having her across the ocean in Paris has just about killed me. 

She's a whole year out, which got me thinking about how much can change in a year. 

Last year at this time: 

-I was still a journalism major

-We said goodbye to Sam and sent him off to Guam
-President Monson made the announcement of the missionary age change that has rocked every aspect of most of our world's for the last little while

-I was still going home on the weekends to work at a little Mexican restaurant

Now? I've changed my major twice, Sam's (and everybody else and their dog) is creeping up on his year mark, and I've worked at the same restaurant for almost a year.

I've worked an entire summer as an A-Teamer, joined a sorority, been in two other singles' wards,  and moved three times. 

If you'd told me a year ago--the me that didn't leave the apartment building or do anything with anyone other than her roommates--that I'd be juggling two jobs, 15 credits, and the friends I have all over campus, I probably would have laughed in your face. 

But time changes thing, and we learn things about ourselves we never would have without that change. 

Without change, I never would have found the second home I have in Logan, or the adopted families I have in Kappa Delta, A-Team, or my favorite SigEp boys. 

Without change, I'd still be hating my classes and not looking forward to school. 

Without change, I wouldn't have started talking to my friends from high school again and wouldn't have Sam, Jackson, Jared, Jon and Bronson as close as I do. 

Without change, I'd probably still be sitting on my couch in my apartment, associating only with the people I went to high school with, and not doing anything to get involved at Utah State. 

The moral of the story is, a lot can change in a year, and change isn't always bad. It can actually be a really good thing. 

Em's been gone six months, and I already know we're both growing in ways we never imagined. 

She's still got a year left, and who know's what will be different by the time she gets home. 

All I know is that I'm happy with where I'm headed and with the person I'm becoming.......but mostly I just can't wait to have my best friend home. 

Let the countdown begin!

I stand all amazed.

I went home today, for the first time in what seems like forever--and luckily for me, it was our ward's primary program. 

Don't get me wrong, I love every Sunday. But there's something so special about the primary program I can't even handle it. 

My three-year-old sister Mary was the first talk, and to say that she blew me away would be an understatement. Not many kids her age can memorize a three minute talk, and give it as well as she did. 

One of the last parts of her talk had her saying, "I know..." and I don't think I've ever been so profoundly impacted by a child's testimony. Miss Mary knows that her Heavenly Father loves her, and she's not afraid to share her testimony...and I love that. 

Then in Relief Society, we talked about how our words influence those around us--mainly our children--and how important it is to be kind. It reminded me of this quote:

I think that sometimes, it's easy to forget how wonderful people can be. We get hung up on the snarky comments, the gossip, and the belittlement that happens--and forget entirely about the compliments, service, and kindness that the people around us share. 

That reminded me of this quote [welcome to my brain. Moving at a million miles a second, in seven thousand different directions].

I have never seen my Heavenly Father, but I do know Him--because of the people around me and the things they do. 

I see Him in the way Mary read me a book before I took a nap today. 

I see Him in the way Braxton will drive around with me for hours trying to calm me down and alleviate stress. 

I see Him in the way Hillary is always ready and willing to help, listen, and give her all. 

I see Him in the way Jon goes out of his way to make sure I'm okay. 

I see Him in the way my mom still texts me every time I drove home from Kaysville to make sure I made it to Logan safe. 

I see Him in the way Rachelle has dinner with my great-grandparents every week.

I see Him in the way people like the Smith's, Brimley's, Frodsham's, Fife's, and so many others have-maybe unknowingly-stepped in to fill the void left by family members. 

I see Him in the way Carrie and Clint come to Logan and visit with their boys when Clint has to work up here. 

I see Him in the way Bronson and Emily know exactly what I need to hear, even after 6+ months of not seeing each other. 

I've never seen my Heavenly Father, but He is familiar to me; and like Mary, I know he loves me. 

I'm blessed to be surrounded by so many good people--people who help me forget that not-so-good things that happen, and who truly amaze me on a regular basis. 

To say that I'm an incredibly lucky girl would be an understatement.

Your little girl.

It's my Dad's birthday today. 

That means the world has been a better place for 43 years. 

Those of you who know my dad know exactly what I mean when I say my dad is amazing. 

He knows just about everything, and what he doesn't know, he figures out. 

He knows how to tune a bike like a pro, and smokes some of the best BBQ I've ever had. 

He's the best sports photographer our athletic teams ever hired, and I have him to thank for my blonde hair and green eyes. 

He's the first person I call when I have a question, I'm in trouble, or I don't know what to do. 

He's the one I think about when I'm making a big decision, and who I aim to please in everything I do. 

He's the perfect example of the kind of man I want to marry. 

Smart, loyal, funny, spiritual. Organized, dedicated, family oriented, supportive. 

I've been out of the house for a year now, and I see more of him in myself every day.

He's the reason I've always tried my hardest in school (well that, and a little exterior motivation called a cell phone). 

He's the reason I've run across the across the Wasatch Front for one weekend every year. 

He's the reason I can out-eat most boys in ribs and brisket. 

He's the reason I love John Grisham, Vince Flynn, Robert McCammon, and Lincoln & Child.

He's the reason I cry, all the freaking time. He's the biggest cry baby I know (and I'll probably get in trouble for saying that). 

He's the reason I love Chocolate English Toffee ice cream, football, and Utah State. 

But most importantly? He's the reason I'm here. 

My friends all love my dad; like almost obsessively. 

Everybody wants to be Russ's best friend. 

I don't even want to count the number of times Dallin's made me make sure to tell my dad that he loves him, how many times I've had boys show up at my house just wanting to hang out with my dad, and one time, I even got mad at my dad for texting at the dinner table....only to find out he was talking to Spencer. 

He's the best; and everyone is very aware of that fact. 

I'm incredibly lucky to have such an amazing example in my life. My dad's family is a little...psycho. And he has every reason in the world to be bitter about it. But for the last 10 years, he's used the situation to teach us kids about forgiveness, and accepting what we can't change. He's the perfect example of service: whether he's installing radar detectors in our neighbors cars, smoking loads of pulled pork for other people's family BBQ's, or taking dance pictures for yet another group of high schoolers, he does it without question. My dad has an amazing testimony--and he lives it everyday. 

He'll always be the first man I ever loved, and I'll always be a daddy's girl. That's just how life goes. 

The moral of the story is, I absolutely adore my dad, for a million different reasons. But the number one reason I love him? He lets me be me. He supports me in whatever I do. 

Jim Valvano said it best: "My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person: he believed in me." And for that? I owe him everything I have been, am, and want to become. 

Happy Birthday, Dad. I love you. :) 

I'll always be.

I've got an incredible Dad. Honestly, I don't know how I got so lucky. As the oldest (and probably the loudest and most high maintenance) of six kids, I'm the guinea pig child--and I'm sure it hasn't always been easy. But my Dad is a winner, and he's taught me more than I think he realizes. 

When I came home from the hospital as a newborn, my parents lived in the little brown house next to Pineview Apartments in Logan. My parents both tell a story about how he took me outside to "talk to the sun" the first day I was home. From the very beginning, my dad taught me to love the sunshine--and that hasn't changed one bit. 

When my Grandma had my aunt Maddy, I was about a year and a half old. My mom went home to help my grandma, and my dad stayed and took care of me. There's a picture of me in the hallway of our apartment with my hair ratted to high heaven in a baby bouffant, all thanks to my dad. Since I was little, my dad has taught me the importance of dressing nicely, and making sure my hair looks great. ;) 

As I've grown up, I've done multiple sports and extracurricular activities, and my dad is always supporting me in those. He was in my first ballet class in Texas when I peed my pants all over the studio floor [can't believe I'm admitting that...]. He was there when I played on my first soccer team, and he even ended up coaching it. He was there during all my dance recitals, gymnastic competitions, and every performance in between. He was in the audience when we were sworn in as judges for the Kaysville City Youth Court. He came to my lacrosse games and became the team photographer, even though the sport was completely foreign to everybody else. He came to all my award ceremonies, team banquets, and drove D-TV to the airport at 4 am my junior year. And when I wanted to run Ragnar for the first time? He got us both a spot on the team, and ran it with me. 

My dad is brilliant. He always has the answer to every question I have, and on the small chance he doesn't know, I know he'll have it shortly. He's taught me how to jump my car battery, change a tire, and detail cars and bikes like nobody else. He may tease me all day every day, but he cares more about what I'm doing, who I'm with, and where I'm going than anybody else. It used to bug me that my friends liked my parents so much, and the crushes they seem to have on my mom and dad used to drive me insane. Now though, I completely understand it. I was ridiculously lucky to be put in a family with the parents that I have. 

My dad is an incredible example. He's never afraid to try something new, or help someone out. And he's taught me more about myself than anybody or anything else. Last Father's Day we had just completed our third Ragnar Relay, and he sent me an email that taught me not only about running up that stupid hill, but also about who I was because of who he is. The email ended with this, a thought that I've used to motivate me through basically everything since then.

"...Such is the rest of your life.  What you now know about yourself is not about running. It is about YOU.  You now know that if you want to do it, you will do it.  If you start it you will finish.  It might hurt, but you will never quit or give up, because that just isn't who you are."

 Because of my dad, I know I can do anything--which is plenty of encouragement by itself. But I also know that no matter what I do, he's going to help me finish: and that means more than anything else.

As a girl, my dad has always been a huge part of my life--and he'll always be the first man I ever truly loved. He's one of my biggest heroes, and the perfect example of the kind of guy I want to marry. Someone who puts family first, and works hard. Someone who loves the gospel, and helps others without question. Someone who is supportive, and funny, and intelligent. And most of all, someone who loves me for who I am. 

Happy Father's Day, Dad. I love you. :) 

Gone too soon.

Friday night, we had one final dinner as roommates before Kelsey leaves on Wednesday. While we were sitting at Zupa's, someone said something about how the next time we'll all be together, there'll be wedding rings involved. Just about blew my mind. 

For the last nine months, I've spent just about every waking moment with these five girls. We've cleaned, cried, yelled, slept, cooked, and laughed together; and they've become my very best friends. 

Kelsey goes into the MTC next Wednesday, and then we'll have 21 months before we're all together again.
Gives a whole new meaning to "see you soon."
I'm so excited for the people of Knoxville [not Nashville, contrary to popular belief] to get to know Kelsey. She's one of the most Christlike people I've ever met, and she's got a stronger testimony than just about anyone else I know. She's a ridiculously hard worker, and more motivated than I'll ever be. And those traits alone are going to help her work wonders in Tennessee. 

Yesterday was Boston's farewell too. Our mom's have been friends for a ridiculously long time, and we kind of got thrown together. That led to sleepovers every day of the week, daily homework sessions, and bike rides to our favorite swing set in Kaysville. Being a year old than me, Bost was always one step ahead and acted as the perfect example for me to follow. She heads to the MTC on the 5th of June before leaving for Spokane, Washington...and I feel like I'm losing a sister. She's taught me so much, and I look up to her and admire her more than anybody else.

Basically, I've been ridiculously lucky when it comes to my friends. They're incredible examples of Christlike lives, and they have testimonies that help mine grow every single day. I'm so proud of each and every one of them and their decision to serve, and I can't wait to add to my list of letter-writing buddies. Missionary work is such an amazing thing, and I'm so glad I get to see it happening on so many levels.
I went over to Bronson's house yesterday since it had been forever since I'd seen his family. After four hours of talking about everything under the sun, a snapchat conversation with Jonnynog, and updating them on everybody's lives; I realized just how lucky I was to have not only amazing friends, but to have  good relationships with their families as well. The Kunzler's are some incredible people, and I'm so glad they're a part of my life.

Last, but certainly not least, today was email day! Emily's been eating some freaky foods in Paris (rabbit, goat cheese, escargot, and pureed celery--whatever that means) and Hailee's companion knows next to no English (the word of the day was "sketchy" and her companion lost no time telling her, "Sister Henson, you look sketchy today." Oh the joys of a foreign language). Bronson's loving Michigan. (He also said a bunch of ward members had found my blog via Facebook...so hello to any new readers in Michigan! Take care of my best friend, alright?) And he sent me this picture saying, "I think this will make your day." He's changed so much in the last four months, and yet he hasn't changed at all. What a goof. 

Life is good, kids. So good. 

Once each year.

Sometimes, just when you don't think you can handle one more emotion being thrown in your face, life hits you like a figurative brick wall. 

I thought I finally had everything under control after moving all week, working all weekend, and finishing finals; but I hadn't really had time to process what month it was. I've never been a fan of May, it's windy, it's AP week (or finals, now), and the anticipation for summer is getting the best of everyone. 

So when I got a letter from my best friend on Friday that said, "I know your least favorite day of the year is coming up. And I want you to know that I'm thinking about you, that the Plan of Salvation is real, and families ARE forever." I was caught a little off guard. 

Then I realized what he meant. It's been three years since my Grandma passed away; three years since the hardest day of my life. 

Even though I miss her so much it hurts to breathe somedays, I've learned so much over the last three years; things I wouldn't have learned otherwise. 

The night she passed away, after I'd told my friends good night, turned off my cell phone, and my family had gone to bed, I turned to my scriptures, desperate for some kind of comfort. 

Opening to a handout in the New Testament, I turned the page to 2nd Corinthians 4:17, which reads: 

"For our light affliction  which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. " 

Even though I wouldn't want to go through any of that again, I know that I wouldn't be the same person without that trial. I've learned how to rely on my Heavenly Father for comfort, and how to apply the Atonement to my life. I learned how incredible my family truly is, and I think the sealing power we find in the temples is even more amazing now. I know how much it hurt to lose my grandma, and at the time, that seemed like the worst thing in the world to me--and it might have been. But I do know that that trial will be worth it in the end, when I get to see her again in the spirit world and be with her for eternity. The pain of that loss is nothing compared to the glory we'll experience after. 

In the meantime though, I'll do my best to follow her example. To love without hesitation, and serve without a second thought. To focus on others more than I focus on myself, and set goals that will help me in a celestial sense. I want to be the kind of mother she was, and the kind of relationship that she and my grandpa have. During her fight with cancer, she adopted a motto of sorts, the phrase "You can do hard things" and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't applied that in my own life. I can do hard things, and I will keep doing hard things--because I had a nearly perfect example of endurance to follow. 

I love you, Grandma. 

Back to basics.

This morning, I found out that one of my friends had lost his mom. No one wants to get that news, and it was a complete shock to all of us. 

I never knew Andrew's mom, but I know Andrew really well. He's one of the funniest people I know, and he always has a smile on his face. Andrew is truly brilliant, and he's always up to talk. He keeps me company during missionary farewells, and his spontaneous karaoke performances never cease to entertain us all. And when I heard that his mom had passed away, my heart broke. 

Losing someone you love is the hardest thing in the world; and nothing will ever make it okay. 

Today has been a simple reminder to me that I need to be more grateful for my family, and for the knowledge I have that I can be with them forever. I'm so grateful for this gospel and for the comfort it brings to me every day. 

I know that nothing we say can make the hurt go away when someone loses a loved one. But I hope that our knowledge of eternal families can bring peace. 

Give your friends and family an extra hug today, and tell your mom you love her. And pray for the Hough family. 

We love you, Andrew.

I know it's you.

Dear Anonymous,
You say I've only heard half the story and I don't know what really happened. To say that, while commenting as an anonymous author says that you are not proud of the way the situation was handled and can't own up to your own actions. If I really didn't know the whole story, you'd say it in person, or at least under your own name. The fact that you can't do that speaks volumes.
According to you, I'm clueless and should just forgive and forget. You are wrong. I know everything. I've read the letters and emails. I've heard both sides of the story from those outside people who got involved. And I've lived it. 
In the nine years this has been going on, you've missed exactly half of my life.
I've graduated Primary, received my Young Womanhood Recognition award, moved from YW to Relief Society, been co-president of a Seminary council, and spoke at Seminary graduation. I graduated from not only elementary school and Jr. High, but High school as well; with no acknowledgment from you. You never saw pictures of me at the Sterling Scholar awards or my high school dance groups. You didn't watch me play lacrosse, or see me cross the finish line for any of my three Ragnar relays. You don't know that I helped design an entire line of prom dresses, am majoring in English, and haven't seen my awards for newspaper design. You weren't there when I went on my first date and you won't be at my wedding.
I may not have participated in the events that led to where we are now, but I have lived the effects for the last decade. I'm not living at home anymore, but being on my own hasn't made the hurt go away. I have my own life, and I'm fending for myself. But I'm still part of my family, and we come as a group. Unless an effort is made for all eight of us, I want nothing to do with a relationship.

It all comes down to the fact that actions speak louder than words.

You can tell me you love me [you always have, always will, never stopped], but I don't believe it.

If you love someone, you go out of your way to make them happy. You don't request that they don't send birthday cards, Christmas letters, or graduation announcements anymore.
If you love someone, you want to spend time with them. You don't intentionally avoid and refuse any contact or meeting.
If you love someone, you speak highly and kindly of them. You don't make false accusations and damage reputations.
Love takes work, and you have to show it in the way you live. It's not a word that can be thrown around to try and prove a point, but rather something that you have to prove by the things you do.
Love is the way my parents check in on me and the way my sisters FaceTime me before bed. Love is the way my best friend makes me laugh even through a letter when I haven't seen him in months and the way my roommates wait up for me to get off work. Love is the way my grandpa never misses a chance to let me know how proud he is of me and the way my home teachers give us blessings before finals week.
Love is more than a bag of cookies and a doily, or a forced conversation and a sealed envelope.

You say you love me and my family, but you don't show it.
I'm sorry I'm not trying to fix this, but I have too many other relationships with people who do love me to focus on, and not a second to spare for those who don't.

I love love.

It's Valentine's Day! Probably one of my favorite holidays in the whole world...I mean what girl doesn't love flowers and chocolate and the words "I love you"? No one sane, that's for sure. 

Valentine's Day isn't just about being in love, it's about love in general. 

My favorite kinds of love?
The way my mom makes my favorite food when I get home, or finishes my laundry for me. How she buys a carton of orange juice for me to take back up to school because she knows how much I love it. How she doesn't argue when I drive home from Logan just to pick up my snowboard and a few other things, and just tells me to make sure I drive safe. 

The way it feels to get a sincere compliment from complete stranger.

The way my dad sends me emails out of the blue that always say exactly what I need to hear. How he texts me before he goes to bed just to make sure I had a good day. How he spends hours making sure my car works okay, or doesn't laugh when Ryan and I head to In-n-Out at midnight....again. 

The way it feels when you listen to your favorite song, watch your favorite movie, or read your favorite book. 

The way Hailee drives from Bountiful to spend the night with Emi and I and stays up way too late talking to me, and making sure I'm alright. The way she listens to all my irrational fears, and then offers a rational alternative and sound advice. The way she gives me music suggestions not because she knows I love music, but because she knows how much I love the lyrics. 

The way it feels to find a scripture that answers the question you've had in your head all day. 

The way Bronson snowboards with me all day, and even though he could be with Jackson and Jared and Jon and Paige, he stays with me and doesn't laugh (too hard) when I spend most of the time on my face. How every May 5th for three years, I've had a bouquet of flowers delivered from him, because he knows it's a rough day and how much I love flowers. How he comes to ColdStone with me and Jon even though he hates ice cream. 

The way it feels to fill a whole page in your journal with your favorite memories. 

The way my little sisters yell my name when I come home, and how Mary begs to have a sleepover with me every single night. How they fight over who gets to run errands with me, and who gets to go through the bank drive thru and get suckers. 

The way it feels to get a hug from someone you've been missing. 

The way Jon looks out for me like a big brother. How he fixes my car (far too often), and takes me out for ice cream when I need a break. How he and Bryan take me to lunch with them. How he's letting me and Lauren dye his hair to cease our boredom. How he offers to drive me home and makes sure I get home safe wherever I go. 

The way it feels to get a really big tip on a long night at work. 

The way Emi can make me laugh at three in the morning with another off-the-wall comment. How she gets my love for unattainable movie stars and band members. How she's always up to shop with me or make me egg-drop soup. How she finishes my sentences and can choreograph a dance to Stronger spur of the moment. 

The way it feels to wrap up in your favorite blanket and watch TLC. 

The way my roommates and I have dance parties at 1 in the morning to Stronger and 22, and how much we rely on each other for everything. How they have a Dr. Pepper waiting for me at the end of a long day. How they listen to my stories and don't judge me when I start crying for no apparent reason. 

The way it feels to drive around in the middle of the night with your best friend. 

Love, in all forms, is wonderful. I love my friends. My family. The gospel. My life.

"Be in love with your life. Every minute of it." -Jack Kerouac

I am. 

Happy Valentine's Day from Snow 102 [and Dallin of course]! Have a lovely day! 

A touchy subject.

[DISCLAIMER: This post may be slightly pointless and not really help anybody out there--not that any of mine do, really--but I needed to talk, and that's what this blog is for. Read at your own risk, I guess?]

From the time we're little, we're taught to put ourselves in a good environment, with people that uplift and support us, and make us better people. I have been very very blessed in this respect, and I am very aware of how lucky I am. 

I have parents that support me in everything I do, whether it's another crazy hair-dye job, a confusing class schedule, or a spur of the moment trip home just to grab a snowboard. They never question me, and always make sure I'm aware that I can make decisions by myself and that they'll support me in everything I do. 

I have five younger siblings who look up to me, and make me a better person everyday. Brittany pushes me to do my best, Ryan looks to me for music suggestions, Emily asks for book recommendations, and Aubrey and Mary would follow me anywhere I ask them to go (as long as they got  Zupa's or Dum-Dums out of the deal.) 

My five roommates listen to every complaint I have about anything, and always have advice for me. They wait up for me from work, even on my crazy weekend shifts, and never fail to make me smile on a hard day. 

I have the three best boy-friends a girl could ever ask for. They change my tires, buy me ice cream, and stop by for random visits to make sure I'm doing okay. 

Add these to the many, many, many other people in my life that keep me sane, make me smile, and never cease to make me try harder, and you can guarantee that I'm a very lucky girl. 

That said, I have also been....blessed...with some people in my life that serve mainly as trials. Long story short, it's been nearly ten years since I had any kind of face-to-face communication with one set of my grandparents, and the aunts, uncles, and cousins involved on that side. Other than random, completely coincidental (or accidental, you could say) interactions, there has been nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nada. 

It's not fun to grow up without grandparents. [Don't get me wrong, my other grandparents are angels. Literally, the best people alive.] Picture this: you're nine years old, and suddenly, there's no contact with one set of grandparents. Then, you're fifteen, and you're grandma passes away. It physically hurt every day to know that I didn't have a full set of grandparents out there, and that the one grandma you did have left was gone. Then, try explaining that to a three-year-old and a five-year-old. It doesn't work. 

Thankfully, my grandpa found Jo, and the position of grandma has been filled--and I can't express how grateful I am for that. 

But, it still hurts. To know that less than five miles away from my apartment, I have a set of grandparents that haven't had contact with my family in almost a decade. This year, they will have missed more birthday's than they've made. They missed my first date, my first dance, and my first day of high school. They missed me crossing the finish line for my third Ragnar, walking across the stage for my high school graduation, and didn't hear me speak at Seminary graduation. They'll miss my wedding. My kids. And so many other milestones that I can't even begin to count. 

For a long time, I was really bitter about the situation, to the point that I was angry and mad at them for everything they missed. But now, through lots of talking it out, and tons of time spent on my knees asking for any way to be even mildly OK with the situation, I've come to terms with it. It still hurts, but I've moved on. 

So imagine my surprise today, when taking a table's order, I look up and see my aunt. The one whom I haven't spoken to since I was ten years old. After informing my manager that I needed to call my parents, PRONTO, I took their advice and said hello. 

"I don't know if you recognize me..."
"I do. You're Ashley." 

"Well, uhhh, it's been a long time. It's nice to see you!" 

"Yeah, good to see you." 

And that was that. Even as I walked away, I knew that nothing was going to change because I'd said hello. But for the first time in years, I was content that I'd done what I needed to, and there was nothing else I could have done. Because family isn't just the people who you share a gene pool with, or the people who have the same blood as you do. 

They're the people you call at 3 a.m. because you can't sleep. The ones that know you well enough to know you're not OK even though you say you are. The ones that cook your favorite meals when you come home, or have a carton of orange juice for you to take back up to school with you. The ones who spend hours fixing your car...and aren't too mad when it still doesn't work. The ones who can make you laugh when you don't even want to smile. The ones who would do anything for you, and you'd do exactly the same. 

And in those terms? My family is huge. And I'm so lucky. 

Back to normal.

My brother and I have an ice cream addiction. So every time I come home, we inevitably end up making a midnight In-n-Out run for shakes. [Chocolate for me, neopolitan for him.] And then, he steals my phone while we take the "long way" home, really just the frontage road, and snap chats and texts my best friend. And they take the opportunity to abuse me to the best of their ability. It's great...and by great, I mean it's not. Good thing I love 'em.

We're back in Logan! And we're better than ever. I can't even begin to explain how much I missed these girls, even if we do stay up way too late talking and act like we're three. But, you have to admit, we rock the footie pajamas and bathrobes like nobody's business. I'm glad we're back...but I miss everyone back home. Braden and Luke. Bronson and Jackson. Emily and Hailee and Sadie. Sad day. But I'm proud of them, and know that they'll be the best missionaries in the whole world.

I really don't know what to say about this picture, other than the fact that Emi draws on her food. She's a keeper.

Sometimes I bring free pie home, and we inhale it faster than I can get everybody out of bed to eat. Triple berry definitely wins the award for our favorite, and the peanut butter is one we can pass on.

In other news, my family is going to Vegas right now. Without me. So while they're having a party in the 63 degree weather, I'll be going to school and working in the freezing cold. College kid problems? 

BUT. I get to meet the rest of the A-Team tonight! And I'm super excited. 

And then it's time for the welcome back social, complete with a showing of Pitch Perfect and food. College is still wonderful, my friends.