Falling in love.

I came across a blog post yesterday that I loved.

The world is a confused place, if people are honestly criticizing her body immediately after having a baby. 

Society is out of check with reality. Tina Fey said it best:

"...every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, and the arms of Michelle Obama."

With a standard like that being placed on every girl, it's nearly impossible to not compare yourself to others. 

I wish my hair was as pretty as her's, I wish I could pull off her outfit, I wish my eyes were her color of blue, I wish my legs were as long as hers...

The list goes on and on. 

We're so worried about what other girls think about us, and so concerned with making the boys fall in love with us that we forget to love ourselves first. 

One of my best friends would always tell me, "I love you, but I loved your confidence first." 

Don't get me wrong, I have just as many insecurities as the next girl. 

I refuse to leave the house without mascara on. 

My hair is naturally curly...and no one ever sees it. 

Pink washes me out like no other color on the planet. 

I can't wear some dresses because I just don't fill them out. 

Hats have never looked good on me. 

But, I've learned to be OK with all that. 

I'm perfectly comfortable with the person that I am, regardless of what the world says. 

One of my favorite quotes says, "You are not your bra size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe-size is of no consequence. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any combination thereof. You are not the number of sit-ups you can do, nor are you the number of calories in a day. You are not your mustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not a little red dress. You are no amalgam of these things. You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries." 

In a world where celebrities create our own self image, it's tough to be a girl. 

If we live by the world's standards, we will never be skinny enough, tall enough, blonde enough, or curvy enough. We'll never wear exactly the right clothes, or do our make up exactly like we're supposed to. 

Learn to love yourself, rather than the person you think you need to be. 

Enjoy your smile.

Be content with your dress size.

Learn to accept the reality of your eye color.

Fall in love with yourself, your body, and the person you're becoming.  

I think the most important thing a girl can do for herself is to care more about how she thinks of herself than she cares about how others think about her. 

Other people criticize us enough--we have to be our own biggest fans. 

"There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty."

 -Steve Maraboli

All under control.

I'm just warning you, there's a very good chance you won't really hear from me again until the end of June. SOAR starts on Monday (USU's new student orientation program that A-Team runs), Ragnar is in less than 20 days, I'm still working my serving job, and trying to balance a "thriving" social life and being a good daughter and sister on top of that. My calendar is jam-packed--but I love it. Time is flying by, I'm satisfied, and life is good. 

That said, there's a couple of things I need to get through my crazy busy life. Copying my 20x20 list, here's a list of: 

20 [inanimate] objects I can't function without [in no particular order]. 

1. Dr. Pepper. 

I have a problem with this stuff. Like a Marley+Diet Coke kind of problem. I don't like Coke, Diet Coke, Pepsi, Mt. Dew...any of that. But Dr. Pepper and I get along splendidly. 

2. Extra Polar Ice Gum. 

I rarely go a day without this gum in my purse, backpack, and car. I love peppermint, and this stuff is cold enough to make your eyes water. Perfect. 

3. Maybelline's Baby Lips chapstick [but only the "Quenched" flavor].

I hate lipgloss and lipstick; HATE them. But I always have chapstick with me. At the moment, this Baby Lips stuff is stealing my heart. I think I have every flavor...but Quenched takes the cake. 

4. My cell phone. 

It may just be the generation I'm a part of, but I don't go anywhere without it. They might be cliche reasons, but my calendar is all on there. I make my to-do lists, reminders, and random ideas on there. I can get ahold of anyone, and I'm not denying the fact that I'm an Instagram addict and a tweetoholic. 

5. Mascara, and lots of it [and by lots, I mean the four tubes I have in my makeup bag right now].

Eye makeup is the best, and mascara is my favorite part of that. I honestly have probably six different kinds in my possession, but I only use four on a regular basis. They all do different things, okay?? 

6. My planner/calendar. 

My planner is one of those super dorky ones that lets you plan your day hour by hour. I love it. And my calendars--yes, plural--keep my life in color-coded order. 

7. Rocky road ice cream.

Just ask Jon, and my roommates, how much I love ice cream. It's seriously my favorite food. 

8. John Frieda's Heat Defeat straightening spray. 

My hair is naturally curly...and by curly, I mean it gets ridiculously frizzy and thinks it's curling. This spray makes it straighten like a charm, smells good, and makes my hair soft. It's my favorite. 

9...and on that same note, my BaByliss blowdryer. 

Sometimes, my dad finds the best blowdryer my mom and I have ever owned...so we order two within a day of each other. Merry Christmas to us! 

10. The blanket my aunt Maddy and Grandma Jo made me for graduation. 

Don't laugh at me for this one [but even I think it's a tiny bit ridiculous]. For graduation, my aunt and Grandma Jo made this minky blanket for me to take up to school. It's a giant purple blanket made of pure heaven. I may or may not take it to and from home and my apartment with me, and I just might have trouble sleeping without it. My poor future husband. 

11. BIC fine point ballpoint pens. 

I hate inky, wet pens. I hate gel pens. Honestly, the best pens are the ones you get in hotel rooms or from banks...but fine point BIC pens are the next best thing. I have probably a dozen in my purse for work, and even more in my desk jars. It's an addiction. 

12. Avocados.

Lauren may be the only person on the planet that eats more avocados than I do. I could honestly eat them with just about anything. My favorite combination? Wheat toast, swiss cheese, and fresh avocados; all sprinkled with salt and pepper.  

13. My toothbrush+toothpaste+floss. 

I brush my teeth probably a million times a day. When I wake up, after I eat anything [I hate the taste food leaves in your mouth after a meal or a snack], before I leave the house, as soon as I get home, and before bed--and sometimes more than that. 

14. My usual jewelry. 

I cannot leave the house without my CTR ring, the ring I wear on my right middle finger, and some form of sparkly stud earrings in my ears. I'm also developing a ridiculous attachment to my collection of gold bracelets. 

15. Light.
Probaby the dumbest thing on this whole list, but it makes sense to me. Not just light in general, but natural light. Sun light. There's nothing that irritates me more than closed blinds and a light turned on. I love windows and sunshine...and I'm not afraid to admit that the dark still stresses me out.

16. Ice. 

I hate drinking anything without ice in it. Milk is the only thing I won't put ice in, and even then, I don't like milk, so...

17. Maxi skirts. 

I think I legitimately own 15. 

18. Crackers. 

Ask my roommates, I love crackers. Especially Goldfish. And Triscuits. And Saltines. As Kenzie says, "You can take Ashley's clothes and she wouldn't care. But mess with her crackers...." Judge me. 

19. Hair elastics. 

My hair is ridiculously babied. But as much as I pamper it, I still don't know how to focus with it down. If I'm doing homework, at work, or trying to be productive in basically any aspect of my life, I can almost guarantee my hair will be up in a knot on top of my head. I have yet to figure out how to do that with a pencil or something...so I keep a lifetime supply of black hair elastics in my possesion. 

20. My car.
If I need to calm down, I drive. If I'm bored, I drive. If I need to talk, I say, "let's go on a drive!" If I need to think, I drive. Ironically enough, I hate being the driver [this whole driving thing was a lot easier when Bronson was home. We both love car rides. And he loves driving. It worked out well]. I've learned that my car is the perfect place to think, cry, talk to myself [don't judge, you all do it too], and blast whatever music I want.

Basically, I know what I like. :)

It's officially Sunday, which means that SOAR starts tomorrow. I'm mostly excited, but a little bit freaked out. Let's hope USU's newest batch of students doesn't eat me alive the first day.

Reason for being.

Watch this before you read any farther. 

Monday morning, I moved into my apartment for the summer...not fully realizing what I was getting myself into. 

Last time I moved into an apartment I had my best friend with me, and four other girls moving in with us that I knew from school, EFY, and Girls' State. We were in a building with tons of kids I knew from high school, and everyone was moving in the same time.

This time I moved in to an apartment with 10 girls I've never met, three days before anyone else, and all my friends were at home in Kaysville or Farmington. 

Monday night, I was so bored and lonely I could barely handle it. I read my whole book for Connections, wrote three missionary letters, and organized my already clean closet. I woke up Tuesday morning to go to work, went on a run, and then went back into work at nine p.m. I got home and couldn't help but wonder what all my friends were doing. 

I was in a huge house, with two girls I'd never met, and was missing my family and best friends more than ever. 

I checked Facebook on my phone (because I had no idea what the wifi password was, and it was 1 am), and watched this video that my uncle made, and honestly it was just what I needed to hear. 

While we're growing up, we make our friends the most important part of our lives. We're dependent on them for everything--how to dress, what to do on the weekends, and what to say. 

I was no different; my best friends were my world. 

Then they started leaving on missions. Now I'm sending letters to Michigan, Paris, Honduras, Ghana, and Washington. Some of them moved home for the summer, or for good. Some of them have gotten married. 

I found myself fending for myself more than I'd like (I hate quiet, and I hate being alone. I'm definitely a people person). 

I also found that I didn't mind it. As much as I hate being by myself, I've learned that my friends and family--while incredibly important to me, and a very large part of who I am--aren't the reason that I exist. 

Like Andy says in that video, we shouldn't define ourselves by who we hang out with, or the things we have. Who we are is based on what we do. 

With that in mind, I decided that it's my job to be the best "me" possible. 

Whether that's by being the best A-Teamer I can be, studying English better than any other Aggie, or doing everything I can to get to cosmetology school someday....it's up to me. 

Ultimately, it comes down to how I can answer my Grandma's question of "Are you being good?" 

Am I living to up to my utmost potential, and accomplishing everything I can?
Or am I simply existing? 

In an earlier post, I said we're only given one shot at college--and it was our job to make it the best experience possible. The same goes for our lives; we've got one shot to prove we did what we wanted. Why waste a second of it just existing? 

Live. 

You wouldn't have guessed.

I'm deathly afraid of spiders [they send me into shaking, hyper-ventilating, full-on panic mode]. My favorite color is either purple or grey, and I hate the color pink; I think I own maybe two articles of pink clothing in my entire wardrobe. I'm an English major, who wants nothing more than to go to cosmetology school. I idolize Audrey Hepburn and Katy Perry. I really do love being a waitress. As dumb as that sounds, I get to interact and talk to tons of different people each day, every day is different, and I'm constantly moving. My hand-eye coordination level is zero, as is my sense of time. I have the worst attention span in the universe: at this very second, I have twelve internet tabs open, Instagram reloading on my phone, and Pandora playing in the background. I only focus on the things I really care about, or when something is very important...like my Relief Society lessons, or my English homework. I never stop reading. I'll read anything and everything you give me, and will probably annotate the crap out of it and pick out quotes that I love from every thing I read. I brush my teeth probably twelve million times a day, because I hate the way it feels after you eat. I want twins more than anything else in this whole world. I want to live in a big city, maybe for just a summer. Somewhere like New York City. Or Chicago. Or even Seattle or Austin. I want a real city experience...preferably doing something cliche like editing a fashion magazine, being a super hot-topic artist, or producing a hit reality TV show. Personally, I don't think there is anything worse than a Monday morning. I hate Mondays, even though I can never quite say why. I just do. There are few things I want more out of my job than a paycheck that is more than $50.00, or a shift that doesn't end with me covered in salad dressing, syrup, and powdered sugar, or require a full body massage to remove the tennis-ball sized knots from my shoulders. I'm really a natural blonde [don't let the purple hair fool you] and my hair is naturally curly [my blow-dryer and flat-iron are my best friends.] I love peppermint, but only if it's cold enough it makes your eyes water. Extra Polar Ice gum is my weakness in life. I'd take a massive steak over a salad any day of the week; and I probably eat more than most twelve-year-old boys. It's physically impossible for me to walk in high heels. My favorite places in the world are my bed, the sidelines of an ice rink, or anywhere with water and a temperature of more than 80 degrees. I have a real big problem with online shopping. I can't sleep unless I have at least three pillows and all my blankets--flannel sheets, a down comforter, bedspread, heated blanket, and the blanket I got from my family for graduation--on my bed. I sleep in a nest, basically. I'm awful at card games [except Rook. Which I sometimes randomly beat everybody at], and even worse at Liar's Dice. I have a rather impressive collection of maxi skirts and colored denim. I'd rather stay home and watch a movie than go to a party...but I hate being alone, probably more than just about anything. I want to meet Katy Perry someday. I wouldn't mind owning a Yorkshire Terrier. If you get me laughing, there's a good chance you'll see me cry too...I can't laugh without tears, happy ones of course. I don't like dessert unless it's chocolate, and vanilla is just a waste of calories to me. I don't like milk, yogurt, or bananas. My little sisters are my best friends. I am absolutely and completely in love with every single aspect of my busy, bizarre, and beautiful life. 

We do what we can.

For some reason, Wednesdays are always the longest day of the week. Emi, Lauren and I have class together at 9:30, but we still have a hard time getting out of bed and motivating ourselves enough to get ready for a 50 minute lecture about creative ahhhhts. [Our professor is incredibly British. Ask Emi how she feels about the way he says "matter."] Anyway, we have unofficially declared Wednesdays "What The Heck Wednesday" or "Top-Knot Wednesdays" because of our inability to look socially acceptable that day. We forgot to take pictures of us all together, but the legging and hoodies and shorts look, all paired with a giant baseball of a top-knot does wonders for our social lives, as displayed in the following picture. [Just kidding. Emi was just using the most prime position for creeping while our door was wide open. Yay. :)]

The ASUSU had a barbecue at First Dam last night [if I hear one more "dam" joke, I will lose my mind.] And of course, we had to document it. Luke, some kid I don't know, Chris, Lauren, Emi, me and Dallin--prior to Luke and Dallin and I going on a canoe adventure. Someone took this picture in the middle of us laughing at Kelsey's attempt to photobomb....but the next one is alright. 

See, we can clean ourselves up from our WTHeck Wednesday and look socially acceptable, even if being social is a drag sometimes. 

One more thing. I have some fabulous roommates. Yesterday, they had the misfortune of being dragged in on a somewhat...awkward situation involving my grandparents, and they stuck it out right along with me. Edited a thank you letter, and helped me find some random house in the middle of Providence to drop it off. So thanks girls (and Luke and Dallin) for helping me out. That's all, really. :) 

It's all a little underwhelming.

While I was laying Mary--Baby Rapunzel--down for a nap today, my Utah State planner fell off my desk. Serving as a not so nice reminder that not only do I only have six weeks left here, but I only have SIX WEEKS LEFT HERE. I freaked, just a little. Hmmmm. [deep breaths. in. out. in. out.] It's kind of like one of those moments where you just keep thinking, "This can't be happening. There's no way this is happening. This is really happening."
Let's just say it's a very good thing that a vast majority of my best friends are moving up with me, or else I'd be in trouble. But Hailee, Morgan, and Maddy aren't. And I'm a little distraught about this whole thing.
While I'm all overwhelmed and stressed and such, I'm still not quite sure what's going on. Girls' Camp is this weekend, and it still hasn't quite hit me that this is the last time I get to go. I have an assignment due for my first class on the 22nd, and I'm not even thinking about starting it yet. I'm still 17 people, I'm still a child. And yet...I'm not. It's mind blowing, really.
In other news, I'm bored with my mane again. Like seriously contemplating some new ideas. Any suggestions? They'd be much appreciated. I'm thinking new hair will count for a lot of the 18 TIL 18 BABY countdown....yes. Yes, it will.

I really, really, really like this one, but I don't know if I have the guts. Do I go lighter again? Cut some of it off? Or keep it the same? Let your ideas flow kids, because I'm up for anything. 

Also, I've got to start packing up my life soon...and I want your thoughts on what's essential. Any of you stayed in Logan? Fill a girl in, would you? Any thing you wish you'd had your first year of college? Let me know. Comment here, tweet me, or FB me kids, because this is a whole new road for most of us, and we need all the help we can get. 

It's all the same to me.

It's days like today that make a girl think. One of my friends gave his farewell address this morning, and it was just another one of the many surreal experiences that have been happening lately. Watching Blake on the stand, Emi and I just kept looking at each other and saying, "Blake, OH Blake." in some weird voice or another. But as I listened to his talk, and heard his testimony, I couldn't help but be proud to call him a friend. Then, as the (super attractive) RM giving his homecoming address spoke, there was this almost overwhelming feeling that came over me that that is what I want these boys to become. Not that the boys I hang out with now are anything short of amazing, but this kid had matured in ways that aren't possible outside of the mission field. He knew where he was going, and how he was going to get there.
And while it's hard to comprehend sending these boys away for two years, seeing the "finished product," so to speak, makes it all seem worth it in the end.
There's a quote I've seen that says something along the lines of, "missionaries leave their families for two years so that other families can be together for eternity." When you think of it that way, it's hard to not say goodbye. 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and ^^^ this little beauty is completely true. Blake's parents were called to serve as mission presidents in Detroit, Michigan, so he moved out there the summer before our junior year--which will be two years this August. (?) Those two years flew by, which gives me some sort of crazy hope that the next 2-3 will go just as fast. I know it's wishful thinking to hope that we'll all be friends and still around by the time these kids all get home, but it's what every girl thinks right as the boys leave. And who knows, it just might work. Blake will be one of the first kids our age to leave, but Trent leaves for Ghana in October, and Matt leaves for Arizona in September---which is so not OK---and while it's weird to think that these are my best friends heading out there, I know it's the right thing for them to be doing. And I couldn't be more proud of them.


In other news, tomorrow, the entire Bell clan is invading Lagoon. And by Bell clan, I mean....
Me, Brittany, Ryan, Emily, Aubrey, Mary, Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Jo, Maddy, Carrie, Clint, Evan, Owen, Amy, Brent, TJ, Brevin, Davis, Ian, Melanie, Dan, Kenzie, James, Breanne, Laura, Zach, Hyrum, Sheron, Branden, Megin, Dallin, Lolly, and Addy.
AND, I'm in a walking boot for my leg. It's going to be an adventure, to say the least. Today, when we were talking about it, I told my aunt Amy that I was going to wear a swimsuit all day because of the water rides. "Ash...there is no way you're getting married in the next year then, just saying." Finally, someone that is on my side.
Park City in four days. Be prepared for pictures, summer flings, and lots and lots of stories.

Sheer, limitless, class.

Park City in 6 days, and I'm freaking out. It's going to be a blast. But while I'm (notso)patiently waiting for this adventure, we've been busy in this neck of the woods. 

My little sisters Aubrey and Emily had their ballet recital this weekend, and Mary--or #babyrapunzel--was jealous of their ballerina hair-dos. So I did hers too, and she proceeded to dance around all day long, until it was time for Lion King of course. These little girls are incredible dancers, each in their own way. As my mom put it, "Emily is a natural, and Aubrey? She just likes to be on stage." They're goofy, but they're beautiful. 

Speaking of the baby, she has an animal obsession. So we went on a field trip to the horses behind our house and she fed them an entire bag of carrots. I was freaking out--mainly because they have massive teeth and she's so little--but she was oblivious to the threat. Figures. 

ALSO. My best friend is home from Europe now. Three weeks without my favorite ginger was NOT. FUN. to say the least, and I'm so happy she's home. Not only did she bring me back a beautiful scarf from Italy, but now that she's home, gossip sessions can resume. Life is more exciting with Maddy around. 

In other news, this is my un-official promise ring. Who's it from? Stay tuned....

Thank you Europe, for returning the ginger home relatively unscathed, however sleep deprived. 

Just kidding. It's a thread from Hailee's shirt that she didn't want to litter Maddy's house with. Also, we're the only two not dating anybody [officially, or unofficially EMI] and were feeling left out of the love circle. So we staged a fake promise ring exchange. In case you were wondering, thread doesn't hold up very well through washing. FYI. 

Third time's the charm.

Life has been a tiny bit crazy lately. Between work, and attempting to find another job, and who knows what else, this little baby got sort of neglected. 

Last weekend, I ran my third Ragnar Relay--the Wasatch Back. 200ish miles of running, between 12 people, from Logan to Park City. Sounds fun, right? But really, it's a blast. However, I  would recommend training to those of you who were interested. Because it HURT. 

 This is our team, "The Cat in the Hat Bunch" at the finish line. Our shirts say "Thing [1-12]". We're cool.

My dad sent me a note after finishing, which basically put into words what had been running through my head every year we've done this.

"To many, running a Ragnar is a silly, crazy endeavor - they think it is a waste of time and energy.   We dress up in costumes and have a moving slumber party for 2 days - how stupid.  They think that Ragnar is about running.  Those who have done it know the truth.  That it was somewhere on that road that we came to understand who we are and what we are capable of.  Before we did it the first time, we were afraid we would fail.  We worried that we would ask the hard question of ourselves and be found lacking.  We are now the lucky ones - we know.  We asked the hardest questions - "Am I a quitter?", "Can I do this?"; and we got the answer that we wanted.   We are the ones who know." 

It may sound silly to get sentimental about a 200 mile relay, but it's true. Because of this race, I've been pushed to places I never thought I'd go, and gone harder and farther than I ever would have otherwise. I've climbed impossible mountains, run through terrifying--to me, at least--trails, and kept going even when it seemed like the goal would never be within reach.

I kept going, and I'm no quitter.

All dressed up, nowhere to go.

It's been one of those weekends, where I'm craving something that I can't figure out. There's something out there I need to do, but I just can't decide what that is.
So. Rather than hurt my brain trying to find the reason, I resorted to hair dye again. Tomorrow evening...this lion's mane of hair will be new again. And really, I think I need to find a recovery group because this is getting out of hand. I guess there are worse things I could be doing, but all this dye is getting to my head. (Just kidding. But it does make me wish I had a cosmetologists' license. Really bad.)
Issue numero dos. Ragnar is in less than three weeks, and my legs total 19.8 miles. My longest leg is 7.3 miles, and I can't remember the last time I ran more than 5 consecutive miles--not counting last year's relay. Whoops. So starting June 2nd, you better believe this girl will be running her butt off, quite literally. Hopefully, I'll get some kind of tan in the process. Because swimsuits are no fun when you glow.

In other news, I have the greatest family on the planet. My grandpa owns a time share at the Marriott Mountainside Resort in Park City, and has his week the last week of June. Conveniently, nobody wanted it the last three days. Equally as convenient, Emi's 18th birthday is that Friday, and so we get three of the rooms for a fabulous 18th birthday retreat. My aunt and uncle agreed to play chaperone, so for two days and nights, us girls and the boys we decide we want there get to swim, eat, shop, and slide to our heart's content. It's kind of our last hurrah before everyone moves. And I'm so excited it isn't even funny. Another sign you're growing up? Your parents agree to let boys come on the trip with barely a moments thought. (Thanks Clint and Carrie for chaperoning.:))

I graduate in roughly 90 hours. And if that isn't the weirdest statement I have ever uttered, I don't know what is. It's finally coming. However, I have yet to find a dress. We'll work on that once the hair is done.

Almost there, just one more second.

While doing my usual pre-bedtime blog stalk, I read Maddy's blog. (Check it out here, if you don't already.) And she made this list of high school memories. Seeing as we have less than a week of school left before we hit the "real world," I figured it was only fitting for me to do the same. Here's a list of the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I Remember:
1. That first day of high school, walking in feeling like I was completely lost. But so proud of my tan--recently acquired in Oregon, and my newly dyed hair. I had my priorities straight?
2. Helping Maddy do her hair for Homecoming sophomore year, and knowing that it would be a whole year until I could go to a dance was awful. BUT. That marked the first time we all got ready together.
3. AP World History just about killed me, and I remember feeling like the biggest idiot in that class, and in math. Not a good year for academics, other than English. Photography was also eye-opening. I think Anna and I did more in Photoshop than anybody else that year.
4. I remember taking Intro that year with Kelsey and feeling so cool that I had Terri for two whole class periods.
5. I remember taking family pictures November 20, and then randomly getting a text from Bronson, who I hadn't spoken to since the last day of ninth grade. He invited me over to his house, and I was the ONLY Davis person there. That was the first time I met Jared, Sam, Jackson, and all those kids. It also was the beginning of a long string of events.
6. I remember talking to Bronson two days after Christmas, and asking him how his family vacation was going, and being surprised when he told me he was coming home early. Why? "To say goodbye to Brian." I stayed up later that night talking to him than I ever had before.
7. New Years Eve sophomore year was the best one yet. Huge party at Hannah's, and everyone got together that night. The musical revue that next week was great, and watching Brian Regan at Bronson's house after was the first time of many. Poor Carla. Only one there without a boy.
8. I remember crashing Jessie Reid's birthday party at Flip's to bring cookies to everyone, and then leaving and documenting the entire adventure on camera.
9. I remember voice lessons with Karen Stephens trying to get ready for Musical Productions auditions, and being scared out of my mind for weeks.
10. I remember Emi and Bronson studying with me the night before my grandma died, and the bouquet of flowers that made everyone jealous.
11. I remember being at a family dinner, and preparing for the funeral when the Musical Productions list was posted, and being so stressed over telling my mom that I didn't make it, on top of everything else.
12. AP World Test. First of way too many, and being so scared I wouldn't pass. I did. :)
13. Sleeping over at my grandpa's with Emi the night before we went boating with everyone, and talking about purple roses and unicorns and asians. Then Maddy being stressed the next day because we were late to the party.
14. My 16th birthday party, and Megan running into Candace's car in her driveway. My first date, and Megan, Jared, and Bronson singing to me over cupcakes and a camp fire.
15. The Junior Committee parade float, and the picture we took that is quite literally the epitome of summer.
16. I remember my first day of junior year, feeling like I finally knew what I was doing...then getting to calc and AP bio, and regretting everything.
17. Homecoming, both Viewmont's and Davis'. Joy Luck, and lighting the table on fire at Jorgen's. Tearing the sleeve of my dress, and being the only one in my Viewmont group in a non-neutral. Pictures, both times.
18. HALLOWEEN. Go big or go home, and Joe's editing of Taylor Swift in the car. Epic face paint.
19. Christmas, and the scavenger hunt Jackson sent me on to answer. Revenge is sweet?
20. New Year's. Helping at the Kaysville City party with Emi and Dallin, and then hanging out at Annie's. Most awkward experience of my life.
21. Going to see HP 6 Part I with Annie, Jared, Sam, Emileah and Jackson. The snowball fight in the parking lot after, and Jared freaking out that a girl was in the car.
22. Viewmont-Murray hockey game, and driving with Emi and Annie in the middle of a blizzard. The phone call with Bronson on the way home, and the texts later that made everything okay again.
23. Sleeping over at Emi's while my family was in Oregon. BYU basketball game, and escorting for Mr. Dart, with six other girls.
24. Anaheim with D-TV. Winning best in show for layout, meeting the Ling sisters, Disneyland, the Tower of Terror 12 times, and calling Emi the second she got home from prom.
25. Crashing Viewmont's prom, and trying so hard to keep it a secret from everyone. The look on Morgan's face when she saw us, and the way she almost started crying. Dancing until we were bruised, and Danny leading the mosh pit during Sandstorm. Dancing in the fountain, and awkwardly running into Mal and Bronson when they walked to their car. Going out at 2:30 a.m. because my parents wanted me to tell the boys to leave, since they were still talking in the driveway.
26. Kyle's 18th birthday, and the list we made on postits. Hiding with Emi and Braxton in the neighbor's driveway, and nerf wars in his circle.
27. Girls' State with my best friends, and rooming with 3 complete strangers. Discovering that I hate politics, and trying to figure out where on earth half the girls were from.
28. Ragnar. And running Ragnar hill/hell. Jumping in East Canyon when it was 42 degrees.
29. Lake Powell. No cell phone service for a week, and sleeping outside under the stars every single night. Coming home the day before my birthday, and having my best friends in my driveway the next night. And coming home to the AP results...failing AP Biology.
30. Relationship counseling sessions with Braxton and Spencer on my hammock.
31. Starting senior year, in a totally new position, and spending time with Davis friends. Homecoming with my best friend of 11 years, and the biggest group known to man. Seeing all the Viewmont kids while we were at dinner, and the conversations that ensued.
32. Halloween, Christmas, Sadie's. All with my friends and the largest groups in the world.
33. First prom, with my favorite ginger. Driving in the corvette and watching How to Train Your Dragon afterwards.
34. The stress of D-TV. Figuring out who did what, and finally settling into a rhythm, in April.
35. The relief of finishing my last AP test.

Chronologically speaking, those are the most prominent memories, but I could go on for days really. The real point is though, that high school is almost over; and we're leaving behind the most influential time of our lives. We're so close to the real world that we can almost taste it, and the future is close enough to touch.
It's going to be a long five days before we can say we're through, but it'll come faster than we expect. And then? We're off.

I say it because I care.

Going through my phone today, I realized there was a lot of stuff I documented, and never posted about. So I figured I might as well, now that I have some time.

First of all! April 24th...Emi, Hailee and I went to see Go Radio. First of all, if any of you have never listened to them, that should change. Quickly. Because Jason Lancaster (Pictured ^^^^) easily has one of the greatest voices in the history of ever. He used to be part of a band called Mayday Parade, but split up from them a little while ago. If you're interested, look up "What If You Don't" or "Why I'm Home" on YouTube. I promise you won't regret it.

Go Radio performed, but so did this band from Oregon called This Providence. That extremely fine fellow up there would be Dan Young with my best friend. And yes, he was even greater in person. Look up "A Beautiful Rescue." His voice...mmmmm. British accent and that face. It makes everything okay.

We took AP tests this year, far too many of them if you ask me, and attended way too many study sessions. Art History reviews marked the birth of the Unicorner and reminded us that we're not maturing as quickly as we're growing up. It's probably fine.

After we took our various tests, we decided that having a Zupa's within five miles of our houses was the best/worst idea ever. Two times in a week can't be good...except it's so very, very good. That would be my favorite ginger on our second outing of the week with a chocolate strawberry as big as her face. (Not really, but still.)

We don't do a whole lot of extraordinary things, (except get my phone signed by Jason Lancaster. That was pretty freaking awesome.) but we do a lot of random, simple things. And frankly, it doesn't matter what I'm doing, as long as I'm with these kids. Because they're the ones that matter most.

One day down.

I graduated from seminary today. (!!!!!!!!) One graduation done, one to go. Basically, I'm terrified/scared/nervous/stoked/amazed/excited to be graduating. Because for soo long, we all dream of graduating, of moving on; and now that it's here, I really don't know what to do. So as I sat on my driveway pondering life with one of my best friends, I started thinking about everything I've done/wanted to do/never accomplished.

-I wanted to be a photographer. I took photography classes sophomore year, and have mindlessly searched photography tips for hours on end. But I guess I don't have the patience, or something, because it never worked out. However, I have had the chance to do shoots with some fabulous photographers, and I hope I get to do some more soon.
-I wanted to be a class officer/SBO. Ran twice, but it never worked out. Looking back though, it's better that way. I had the opportunity to do so many other things that I wouldn't have been able to if I was busy being official. I did however, get to be part of the junior and senior class committees, which was basically the same thing without the jacket. I'd recommend it to anyone. :)
-I've always wanted to be a designer. I love clothes, color, and fashion, and I stalk websites and blogs continually. This year, I got to be part of the design board for the 2012 Prom Line at Kathleen's Bridal and Formal Wear in Kaysville. It was just a small realization of a silly dream, but it happened. And my prom dress was even more special since I got to help design it.
-I wanted to sing and dance on stage. I have an almost unhealthy obsession with Broadway, and I would have loved to be a part of that. But Musical Productions never worked out, and I haven't been able to find the time for any outside theater either. I have gained a better appreciation for the "arts" though, and I never miss a performance that my friends are in.
-I wanted to be on TV. Stupid, huh? But by participating in D-TV for the last 3 years, I had the chance to do just that every single week. Sure, it wasn't national television or even a local news network. But the people I was with everyday saw it, so it was kind of the same thing.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I've done just about everything I wanted to in the last three years. No, I'm not some world renowned photographer, and my voice will never sell millions of CDs. But I'm proud of who I am, and the things I've done. And? I'm more than a little excited for the future.

In a somewhat related side note, I may or may not be participating in the Miss Kaysville-Fruit Heights pageant. We'll see.

What if I call you darling?

AP tests? Conquered. Compared to last year, they basically rocked. Because I despise science and don't particularly enjoy math--which should make you ask, "Then why in the heck did you take AP Biology and Calculus last year?" And to be quite honest, I have no idea. BUT. I redeemed myself by taking AP Art History and AP English Literature/Language this year. Loads better. I actually enjoy these subjects, and am interested in those fields. Novel idea, really. But either way, they're all over. Which means besides participation points, senior year is basically over too. 

Weird. 

I graduate in 15 very short days. How am I announcing this tidbit of information to the population of the free world that I actually care about? Oh, with these little beauties. I decided that I'd take my years of designing papers (and the fact that I had to do them myself because of mild to severe OCD) and make something that I liked. So here ya have it. No, they are not in my school colors, except for the gold "D." But even that's a stretch, since it's chosen directly out of the picture. I like 'em. Lemme know what you think. (ps. the photo was taken by Ashley Strassburger. you can visit her website here or look at her FB page here. She's great, really. And she shares my name. There's nothing better.) 

I have to finish my Financial Literacy packets ASAP if I want to graduate....no worries, I just need to focus....and I have a talk to write for seminary graduation. But frankly? I'm just reveling in the fact that for the next 92 days, I'm a free soul. And by free, I mean swimsuit wearing, hair-dye experimenting, summer loving, money making free soul. 

It's a glorious realization. 

Really though, who can say.

Everything is winding down, but I still feel like I have way too much on my plate. Between school, work, YW, youth court, and attempting to maintain some kind of social life while keeping up with my family, I have no time for anything...while still doing everything. It's puzzling, really.
I found a dress for cotillion, (it pays to have an uncle who is dating a girl who wears the same size as you do. WINNING.) but now I've gotta find some fantastic shoes to go with it.
I'm in the home stretch for AP classes, but now I've got to finish Financial Lit. and pass Fit for Life.
Life is a whole bunch of "this, but this," statements, and it's starting to drive me crazy. Welp.

In other news, I have to teach the combined YW lesson this Sunday on the importance of temple marriage and dating for the temple. Somehow, our Heavenly Father has these odd little ways of teaching you what you need to hear by making you prepare it for others. I also have to speak at seminary graduation about how seminary has impacted my testimony of the Savior. Needless to say, I'm a stressing out a little. The second my AP stuff is done, my scriptures are going to have to become my permanent sidekick.

I guess that's another point I need to make, and I'm going to make it in public. I'm moving out in roughly 90 days..which means I have 90 days to cement in my brain the importance of good habits. Scripture study, prayer, exercise, good food...you name it. I need to work on it. I'm so glad I'll be rooming with five girls who share the same standards I do, and who have the same priorities I do. But that doesn't change the fact that I need to work on it for myself. Starting May 17th, the number one goal is building healthy habits. Maybe I'll even document it. Who knows.

I told you I would, so I did.

As I mentioned earlier, this month is full of a whole bunch of "lasts." And really, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Maddy and I anchored our last D-TV broadcast last week, and I couldn't keep a straight face to save my life. Because the whole time we were filming, I couldn't get the mental picture of me anchoring for the first time out of my head. I was terrified to look at that little red dot on the camera, and know that the entire student body was going to see my face. Now? We fight, literally, for those anchor slots.
Then today, we filmed the senior sign-off. D-TV always signs of with the anchors names, and "and this...is D-TV." We've made more jokes about those three words, and said it any more accents than I care to count. It's ridiculous really. Back to the point. Today, we filmed every senior on staff putting in their last "I'm so-and-so," and crowded in front of the green screen for the last "...is D-TV."
Sitting on the arms of Braxton's chair, with Matt and Emi's arms around my shoulders, Maddy on Braxton's other side, and the rest of the staff crammed in behind us, we more more united in that split second than we ever have been before. Why?
You don't devote 3 years and 8 class periods to a class if you don't care. You don't stay at the school until 9 p.m. the night of the Homecoming football game if you don't want to make a deadline. You don't miss your junior prom for a journalism convention unless you want to win. And most importantly, you don't put your heart into something unless you are truly passionate about it. We know what we're doing. And we do it well.
In the grand scheme of things, D-TV is just another silly class, with just another bunch of kids, and another teacher that influenced me. But right now? It's a central part of our lives, Terri's room is a place we go to play, rather than work, and those cameras are our friends now.
I'm going to miss that room, and it will be harder than I want to admit to let someone else take over next year.
There aren't many kids can say they got to take first in newspaper design at the state competition, report in the 7th best student broadcast in the nation, or design one of the best newspapers in the country.

But I can.

Because this girl? Is part of D-TV.

All things go.

We graduate in 23 days. My cap and gown are hanging on my bedroom door, and my graduation announcements are being printed. I'm shipping for a dress for Senior Cotillion, and registered for my classes next fall. Scholarship acceptance letters have been sent in, and new leaders have been chosen for all the groups I'm in. Final banquets and awards ceremonies are happening, and orientation is starting for the new kids.


I'm freaking out.
Last weekend, there was a not-so-subtle shift in the directions my life was headed, and this week was a little shaky to say the least. But, everything happens for a reason, right? And we're all headed for bigger and better things, even of we can't see it at the moment.

With everything I've ever known coming to a close, we really are experiencing not only the beginning of the end, but the end of our beginning as well. In less than a month, we'll be out of a school system we've been in for 13 years, moving away from everyone we know, and starting fresh. I

So these last few weeks? I'm going to do what I want. How I want. When I want. Because this is the last chance we have to make a mark, and I intend to. Right now, all things go.

Underwhelming questions.

Most nights, I get in bed around 10 or 10:30....and proceed to lay there, wide awake, until midnight. I'm not doing anything productive, usually sporadically checking Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, email, and Pinterest; but if I could channel all the brain power my mind generates right then, I could pass my AP tests in the first week of school.
Last night was frustrating, stressful, and not very much fun. But! While I was laying there, quite literally nested in my seven thousand blankets and pillows, and twisting my Disney Princess blanket in my hands like there was no tomorrow (it's a nervous habit, and yes, it is Disney. Deal with it.) the conversation in my head went something like this.

"So. NOW what?"
"What do you mean, now what?"
"I mean, this is a change, a big change. It's been a long time since things were like this."
"Maybe, but change is good. Change is real good. It'll all be OK."
"But, what if...."


And I promptly fell asleep. I have a problem with that, falling asleep mid conversation. Granted, it's usually with another person and not just myself, but still.
I woke up this morning and was busy and barely breathing until 7:45 (which really is saying a lot considering I was up at the crack of dawn and had an early morning meeting.) And I got a text from a friend, one I haven't really talked to in a while.

"Hey Ashley! I just wanted to tell you to have such a fantastic day! :) You're a great girl, with such a loving, kind personality. Keep being great. :)...Keep your chin up sug :) and pass it forward. You are wonderful! :)"

Like I said, I don't talk to this friend very often, and she has no idea what's really going on. But that message? Was just what I needed. And just reiterated the fact that no matter what's happening, who's fighting with who, and what is going wrong, someone up there is ALWAYS listening, watching, and looking out for us.

And suddenly, all those overwhelming questions and problems became insignificant.
"It's days like today, when life gets great."


(ALSO. I get to see the band who penned ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ those lyrics tonight with my best friends. Life is alright, I guess....:))

What I wouldn't give.

I don't know if anyone understands the true significance of this picture, but it seriously breaks my heart and makes everything right in the world all at the same time. 17 may be my favorite number, but numbers 12 and 57 will always, always, be special.

Those two boys right there have been my world since I was five-ish. First crush, first love, first date, first bf, first heartbreak. All summed up in those two boys.

Tonight was just another one of those wake-up calls that I really am growing up, and everything is changing. When I watched these boys play against each other for the first time three years ago, I would have laughed if you told me how things would be now. But change happens, and life throws you curveballs. Roll with it.

I do want to explain this picture a little more though. Those boys right there are the two people who have changed me more than any other human beings on this planet. They've saved me from myself more times than I can count, and I'd like to say I've been there for them as well. Dylan taught me from the time I was super little that I belonged cheering at a hockey rink, and not on the sidelines of a football field. Some people despise the potency of the rec center ice rink, but for some of us, it's almost too familiar. I can't name many of the NHL players, or even the teams, but I can tell you just about everything about these two boys, their teams, and their respective stats. I may not have been the best attendee, but I've never missed hearing about a game. I can't stand watching them get hit, and I scream louder than their families when they score. I yell at the refs when they get called for something stupid. I've waited for them in the lobby of the rec center for more time than I care to count, and no matter what they do, I will never get used to the smell of hockey pads.

This year, these boys are both captains of their respective teams. And tonight, I watched them play in their final games for those teams. Both were selected to play on the All-Star team, and there was not a crisis in this world that could have kept me from being there. Watching them play alongside each other, even if it was for different teams, made me more proud than I ever have been. And seeing them circle up for the last face-off literally made me cry. They faced off for the last time, and a chapter of our lives closed. In different ways of course, but a piece of us ended right there.

I shouldn't be so sentimental about a hockey game, but there's more meaning in that picture than I could ever begin to describe. So I'll leave it at this: I don't know if I can say I've been changed for the better. But, because I knew them? I know I have been changed for good.

It's all in the eyes.

I'm just reading yet another juvenile chick-lit romance, and a line in it got me thinking.

"He gives me a look.

I give him one back."

Have you ever noticed that no matter who you're with, they can give you one look, and you know exactly what they're thinking? It cracks me up sometimes, and other times it's like they're staring straight into your soul and suddenly they know every deep dark secret you've ever kept.

If I say anything snotty, sarcastic, or even remotely rude, I know that Kyle will look at me like I'm a complete idiot. Just kidding. He just tilts his head, and looks down at me like I need to see a doctor. Which gets him a look in turn, that usually involves me sticking my tongue out or shrugging my shoulders. It says more than any teasing remark ever will, and it never ceases to make me laugh.

Emi and I mock each other incessantly, and when either of us runs out of something to say, we make the weirdest faces at each other. Crossed eyes, messed up mouths, and far too many twisted expressions. I'm not even sure what it means; maybe that the conversation is over, or it's a white flag of surrender. Who knows. But we're definitely in the running for the weirdest faces out there.

Hailee and her faces speak novels. It's a proven fact. Thursday night, she was...spooning? my massive teddy bear, and Emi and I were talking about who knows what. We said something ridiculous, or at least more ridiculous than usual, and the bear went up in the air and Hailee just made this "I can't believe you two just said that and I hang out with you on a daily basis and call you my friends" face.

Everyone knows when their mom is angry, because of her stink-eye. I know when my dad is making up a story, because his upper lip doesn't move, and I know when my friends are truly happy, because their eyes literally shine.

When it all comes down to it, the face is an amazing thing.

Yes, that was a random rant, but it's over now. Deal with it.

Also, my acrylics are gone and I really don't know how to handle feeling normal again. FYI.