More than words.

I had a freshman student email me last week and ask me a couple of questions about my major. 

Now, as a Literary Studies major, I've become pretty used to the same basic questions. 

...and what exactly does a literary studies major study? 

...are you using that as a kind of "pre-law" degree or something? 

...what exactly are you going to do with a degree in literature? 

And I always answer the same way. 

I get to study books. I read dozens of books each semester, and then talk about those books. Then I read books about the books I'm studying and analyze the books that are analyzing the books we're reading. 

I'm pretty sure I'm not going to law school anytime soon. I don't like school that much!

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that question, I wouldn't have to find a job with my degree--but honestly, I don't know. Teach? Write? Who knows. 

But this student didn't ask those questions. He gave me two new questions to answer, because he was interested in the program and wanted to know what I thought. 

1. Why are you studying it? What's in it for you?

2. Why do you love it? 

I tell everyone I love my classes, but I hadn't really ever thought about why. 

So I started thinking. 

Why am I studying it? What's in it for me? Why do I love it?

I love that there isn't any right or wrong answers. Everything is open to interpretation in a million different ways, and it doesn't matter what you think about what you're reading, as long as you're thinking about it. 

I love that you can learn so many different things about different aspects of the world by reading literature from different regions, authors, or time periods. 

I love that there are hundreds of thousands of words in the English language, and no two books tell the same story. 

I love that I can go from crying to laughing to fuming in a single night of homework. 

I love that there is absolutely no math involved. 

I love that I get a life lesson from each assignment: Frankenstein has taught me that monsters do exist, and most of them are human. The Count of Monte Cristo taught me that patience and hope are key to success. Harry Potter taught me that good will always win. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn taught me that doing the right thing is always the right choice, regardless of what society says. Alice in Wonderland taught me that all the best people are a little mad. The Great Gatsby taught me that money isn't everything--and you can't buy happiness. 

I love that words are powerful--and I love that you can get lost in them.

Sometimes, I try to pretend like I'm not the biggest nerd on the planet. But when it comes down to it, I'm more content with my nose in a book than I am anywhere else. 

I'm not studying English because it's going to give me a fabulously high paying job or because it's the most sought after career in the world. I'm studying English because I love it. 

So there you have it, Mr. Freshman boy who wants a new major. Whether you decide English is what you need to do--or even if you choose engineering, or computer science, or botany--find something you love. I did. 

Books are proof that humans can work magic. 

They don't take me seriously.

I move in less than two weeks, people. 

[breathe. phew. okay.] I guess the moral of the story is that things are changing, and it's weirding me out. Because for someone who loves to be in charge, this whole not being in control thing is rough. But. I'll survive. Because in 13 days, I'll be up in Logan, living with some of the best people I know--in a dorm that may test all of our kindness, but still--and meeting so many new people my mind will probably explode. Yay, college. 

Emi and I are headed up tomorrow to job hunt....and any ideas would be fantastic. Do any of you know of anywhere awesome that would be hiring? Or know of a place where you could put in a good word for two girls who just want a job? That'd be cool. Let me know. 

In other news, I melted. My hair, I mean. (Although if I really had, like Elphaba in Wicked...man. I'd be cool.) And chopped a solid four inches off. Mature college hairstyles, FTW. I've also lived in a tent for the last four nights. The first three, because my little sisters wanted me to. Last night? Because I put my sheets in the wash and forgot to dry them, dangit. Welp. 

AND! Hailee, Emi and I discovered a beautiful app. It's probably old news, but Bump brought us far too much pleasure last night. And in a week that has been filled with far too little pleasure, this was a much needed reprieve--if sending each other the best pictures we had of Emi is pleasure, I guess. To each his her own? But really. This app is cool. You have to all have it in order for it to work, but then once you do...beauty. Each phone opens it, and selects the pictures or contacts you want to "bump" to the other person. Then you fist bump the other persons phone (or come up with more creative ways...which we've spent far too much time doing already.) and the pictures are simultaneously transferred to each phone, and automatically saved to your photo album. Simple pleasures, for some not so simple minds. 

And. Fantastic Mr. Fox? Excellent. We're mature. What of it. 

Really though, who can say.

Everything is winding down, but I still feel like I have way too much on my plate. Between school, work, YW, youth court, and attempting to maintain some kind of social life while keeping up with my family, I have no time for anything...while still doing everything. It's puzzling, really.
I found a dress for cotillion, (it pays to have an uncle who is dating a girl who wears the same size as you do. WINNING.) but now I've gotta find some fantastic shoes to go with it.
I'm in the home stretch for AP classes, but now I've got to finish Financial Lit. and pass Fit for Life.
Life is a whole bunch of "this, but this," statements, and it's starting to drive me crazy. Welp.

In other news, I have to teach the combined YW lesson this Sunday on the importance of temple marriage and dating for the temple. Somehow, our Heavenly Father has these odd little ways of teaching you what you need to hear by making you prepare it for others. I also have to speak at seminary graduation about how seminary has impacted my testimony of the Savior. Needless to say, I'm a stressing out a little. The second my AP stuff is done, my scriptures are going to have to become my permanent sidekick.

I guess that's another point I need to make, and I'm going to make it in public. I'm moving out in roughly 90 days..which means I have 90 days to cement in my brain the importance of good habits. Scripture study, prayer, exercise, good food...you name it. I need to work on it. I'm so glad I'll be rooming with five girls who share the same standards I do, and who have the same priorities I do. But that doesn't change the fact that I need to work on it for myself. Starting May 17th, the number one goal is building healthy habits. Maybe I'll even document it. Who knows.

Underwhelming questions.

Most nights, I get in bed around 10 or 10:30....and proceed to lay there, wide awake, until midnight. I'm not doing anything productive, usually sporadically checking Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, email, and Pinterest; but if I could channel all the brain power my mind generates right then, I could pass my AP tests in the first week of school.
Last night was frustrating, stressful, and not very much fun. But! While I was laying there, quite literally nested in my seven thousand blankets and pillows, and twisting my Disney Princess blanket in my hands like there was no tomorrow (it's a nervous habit, and yes, it is Disney. Deal with it.) the conversation in my head went something like this.

"So. NOW what?"
"What do you mean, now what?"
"I mean, this is a change, a big change. It's been a long time since things were like this."
"Maybe, but change is good. Change is real good. It'll all be OK."
"But, what if...."


And I promptly fell asleep. I have a problem with that, falling asleep mid conversation. Granted, it's usually with another person and not just myself, but still.
I woke up this morning and was busy and barely breathing until 7:45 (which really is saying a lot considering I was up at the crack of dawn and had an early morning meeting.) And I got a text from a friend, one I haven't really talked to in a while.

"Hey Ashley! I just wanted to tell you to have such a fantastic day! :) You're a great girl, with such a loving, kind personality. Keep being great. :)...Keep your chin up sug :) and pass it forward. You are wonderful! :)"

Like I said, I don't talk to this friend very often, and she has no idea what's really going on. But that message? Was just what I needed. And just reiterated the fact that no matter what's happening, who's fighting with who, and what is going wrong, someone up there is ALWAYS listening, watching, and looking out for us.

And suddenly, all those overwhelming questions and problems became insignificant.
"It's days like today, when life gets great."


(ALSO. I get to see the band who penned ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ those lyrics tonight with my best friends. Life is alright, I guess....:))

It's all in the eyes.

I'm just reading yet another juvenile chick-lit romance, and a line in it got me thinking.

"He gives me a look.

I give him one back."

Have you ever noticed that no matter who you're with, they can give you one look, and you know exactly what they're thinking? It cracks me up sometimes, and other times it's like they're staring straight into your soul and suddenly they know every deep dark secret you've ever kept.

If I say anything snotty, sarcastic, or even remotely rude, I know that Kyle will look at me like I'm a complete idiot. Just kidding. He just tilts his head, and looks down at me like I need to see a doctor. Which gets him a look in turn, that usually involves me sticking my tongue out or shrugging my shoulders. It says more than any teasing remark ever will, and it never ceases to make me laugh.

Emi and I mock each other incessantly, and when either of us runs out of something to say, we make the weirdest faces at each other. Crossed eyes, messed up mouths, and far too many twisted expressions. I'm not even sure what it means; maybe that the conversation is over, or it's a white flag of surrender. Who knows. But we're definitely in the running for the weirdest faces out there.

Hailee and her faces speak novels. It's a proven fact. Thursday night, she was...spooning? my massive teddy bear, and Emi and I were talking about who knows what. We said something ridiculous, or at least more ridiculous than usual, and the bear went up in the air and Hailee just made this "I can't believe you two just said that and I hang out with you on a daily basis and call you my friends" face.

Everyone knows when their mom is angry, because of her stink-eye. I know when my dad is making up a story, because his upper lip doesn't move, and I know when my friends are truly happy, because their eyes literally shine.

When it all comes down to it, the face is an amazing thing.

Yes, that was a random rant, but it's over now. Deal with it.

Also, my acrylics are gone and I really don't know how to handle feeling normal again. FYI.

In love with the idea of being in love.

I'm a TA for Terri Hall 2nd period, and they're reading The Count of Monte Cristo.
This book is my favorite book, in the history of books. No lie.
They did a bunch of discussion questions today, and one of them was:
Is it possible to fall in love more than once?
Being sophomores, they have some pretty...ideal views on love.
Oh, its so romantic; oh, its so beautiful; the usual.
But what Terri pointed out was that sometimes, people change.
And you can love them, but you're not in love with them anymore.
As a senior, I know I know nothing about real love, and I'm okay with that.
But I also know that what I know now is different then these kids.

You will meet people in your life that will change you, and you will swear you're in love with them. But later, as you meet more and more people, you'll realize that you just loved them.

There's a quote that says, "Someday you'll meet someone who will make you understand why it never worked out with anybody else."

Because really, we can claim we're in love over and over and over, but we'll never know what that really is until we meet the one.

So yes, I believe you can fall in love more than once. But it's a temporary thing,

And it grows in intensity everytime, until finally, nothing can surpass the emotional attachment and depth of feeling that you have for that person.

And I'm quite excited to find that person.