You know the saying, "you don't know what you have til it's gone?"
Well it's 12:30 am on Thanksgiving, and I'm alone in the Kappa Delta house with Lynette, and I'm missing the chaos that is my house before any major holiday. I hate that I'll be serving 1300 people all day tomorrow. But it's made me extra grateful for things this holiday--and even more excited to get home tomorrow night.
That being said, it's about time for a gratitude post. This year has been the roller coaster of all roller coasters, and I've been humbled on more than one occasion...and I've realized just how lucky I am, even when I don't know what on earth I'm doing.
I'm grateful not only for my mom and my dad, but for their marriage. They support me in everything I do, keep my head screwed on straight, give me advice on everything under the sun, and their support of each other is my ultimate #relationship goals.
I'm grateful for my siblings. A few nights ago, we were talking about the havoc we'd wreaked as kids, and I couldn't stop laughing at all the things the six of us had done. From Britt and I sleeping in the same bed til we were 12, to Ryan using me for my separate iTunes account and everything in between, I could not have gotten more lucky with the five monkeys I call mine.
I'm grateful for my extended family--and I mean the friends that have become family too. Our family group message is the highlight of my day, and driving into our culdesac feels like coming home to a piece of heaven. I've lived a charmed life, and these people are half the magic.
I'm grateful for my education--and the freedom I have to study what I'm passionate about. Mock it all you want, but the fact that I can nerd out about British Literature and Gothic writers AND get a degree out of it is something I take for granted. And someday, I hope I can instill that love of literature in the kids I teach, and I'm grateful for that dream too.
I'm grateful for my BFF's. Nettie and Em and Riley have taught me more about unconditional love in the last year than I could have ever imagined. They know when I'm being stupid, but still come to me for help--and know when to help me find my footing again. Liz and Zoe keep me sane and know me better than I know myself, and you don't get rid of friends like that.
I'm grateful for friends that never leave. Brian and I have been through hell and back the last three years and everybody has told us to walk away--but some people cause this sigh of relief to come over you, no matter how long it's been, and I'm glad that sense of comfort never leaves. Same goes for my freshman roommates: we've been through weddings, missions, and we've moved on to babies, but we get together and nothing has changed. They still know me better than anybody else and they will forever and always be my best and closest friends.
I'm grateful for my sisters. Everybody needs the kind of support that comes from 100+ women with the same ideals and goals. If I could put into words how it feels to stand in front of such a powerful group, or how it feels to stand next to them, behind them, or with them, I would. It's an experience that changes who you are--and I'm lucky to be a part of it.
I'm grateful for my trials. It sounds cliche, I know. But if I've learned anything this last year, it's that the things you experience shape who you become, and I like the person I'm becoming. It hasn't been easy, and I wish it involved half as many tears, but you don't appreciate the sunshine without a little rain.
Finally, I'm grateful for this gospel. This year has brought me to my knees more times than I count, and I don't know where I would be without the foundation that this gospel provides. Every heartbreak I've endured, every ounce of joy I've experienced, every desire I've felt, every blessing I've recognized...they've all been a direct product of the Savior and his presence in my life. As I've watched loved ones pass away, marriages fall apart, and especially as I've watched my little sister prepare for her mission, I've grown to appreciate my eternal family more than I can describe. The power of the Atonement is real. Our Heavenly Father is real, and he loves us--so much. He knows every pain and joy and doubt we're feeling, and I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of that truth.
My life is by no means perfect. But it is truly wonderful--and I know I take a lot of what I have for granted, when I'm really blessed beyond measure.
Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
To my little.
This week is better than Christmas for Kappa Delta, and I wish I could bottle this excitement and excess love and use it on everybody I know.
Now little, I don't know a whole lot about you. I know your favorite color, your favorite treat, your major....all those basics, but I don't know you. But I've watched you embrace KD these last few weeks and I couldn't be more excited to add you to our little family [because only the best get to join the House of Dimes] and get to know what an incredible person you are.
Two years ago, I went through my own big/little week with absolutely no idea who I was going to find waiting for me Thursday night, and I'm sure you're feeling the same way. All I knew was that I wanted somebody to look up to, somebody to shop, study, relax, cry, and laugh with, and somebody that could be the big sister I never had. My big is everything I wanted, and everything I didn't even know I needed; and I hope I can be the same for you. As wonderful as my big was my first year in Kappa Delta, I didn't truly appreciate her until I had littles of my own to mentor, look after, and become friends with. It's truly a new kind of love, one that I am excited to share with you.
I'm going to do my best to be what you need. Whether it's somebody to study with you in the library, somebody to try a thousand formal dresses on for, somebody to hold you when the boys are being mean, or someone's bed to sleep in when you're alone in your apartment, I'm here. If you need a friend to go with you to an awkward party, an emergency plan to get out of a bad date, or somebody to binge watch all of Grey's Anatomy with, I'm your girl. I'll probably smother you with a lot of love, ask a lot of questions and seem a little needy, and mother you more than you want....but it's all out of love. We may not always get along, and I'm not perfect. But I will always, always, always have your back.
But most importantly, I am here to help you find a love for this organization and everything that comes along with it. Kappa Delta has shaped my college experience, and I could not be more excited to watch you experience this sisterhood--and to experience it alongside you.
Happy guessing--I'll see you Thursday!!
I love you already, little one.
XOXO, Big.
Now little, I don't know a whole lot about you. I know your favorite color, your favorite treat, your major....all those basics, but I don't know you. But I've watched you embrace KD these last few weeks and I couldn't be more excited to add you to our little family [because only the best get to join the House of Dimes] and get to know what an incredible person you are.
Two years ago, I went through my own big/little week with absolutely no idea who I was going to find waiting for me Thursday night, and I'm sure you're feeling the same way. All I knew was that I wanted somebody to look up to, somebody to shop, study, relax, cry, and laugh with, and somebody that could be the big sister I never had. My big is everything I wanted, and everything I didn't even know I needed; and I hope I can be the same for you. As wonderful as my big was my first year in Kappa Delta, I didn't truly appreciate her until I had littles of my own to mentor, look after, and become friends with. It's truly a new kind of love, one that I am excited to share with you.
I'm going to do my best to be what you need. Whether it's somebody to study with you in the library, somebody to try a thousand formal dresses on for, somebody to hold you when the boys are being mean, or someone's bed to sleep in when you're alone in your apartment, I'm here. If you need a friend to go with you to an awkward party, an emergency plan to get out of a bad date, or somebody to binge watch all of Grey's Anatomy with, I'm your girl. I'll probably smother you with a lot of love, ask a lot of questions and seem a little needy, and mother you more than you want....but it's all out of love. We may not always get along, and I'm not perfect. But I will always, always, always have your back.
But most importantly, I am here to help you find a love for this organization and everything that comes along with it. Kappa Delta has shaped my college experience, and I could not be more excited to watch you experience this sisterhood--and to experience it alongside you.
Happy guessing--I'll see you Thursday!!
I love you already, little one.
XOXO, Big.
Wednesday, October 14, 2015
My General Conference Soapbox.
I'm a stubborn person--and most of you know that alone is an understatement.
I'm also very competitive and I hate losing.
I don't like being wrong, and I have a really hard time when things don't go my way.
[Yes, I realize these are all weaknesses, and yes, I am working on being better].
Y'all can imagine how well I handled losing relationships I had stubbornly competed for for years despite them never going my way.
NEWSFLASH: I didn't handle it well.
In fact, I threw several tantrums, cried [a lot], and threw a very large pity party for a hot minute.
I'd put a lot of love, emotion, and effort into things I thought were going to last forever--and refused to accept the fact that I was wrong.
If we're being completely honest, I was upset, I was devastated, and I was very, very, very lost. I felt like I'd lost my right arm and I couldn't seem to find my bearings anywhere. You should also know that I hate losing control of anything [or never having it in the first place], and despite everything in my life that was [and still is] going so incredibly right, I felt like I'd completely lost control of everything.
Since I was little, I've been taught to ask for help when I had a problem...and sometimes that asking is simply a whispered prayer when things seem especially hard. So I did that. I asked for any kind of help, advice, anything. Not an hour later, I got a text from a friend asking if I had ever read the book "The Infinite Atonement" by Tad R. Callister. At that point, I hadn't, but she told me to read one of the chapters.
The internet is a wonderful place, and I quickly found what she was talking about. Elder Callister discusses the Atonement in relation to what he says is "suffering unrelated to sin" and said,
"Impossible as it may seem, he has somehow taken upon himself those feelings of inadequacy, sometimes even utter hopelessness, that accompany our rejections and weaknesses."
I'm an English major. I read all the time--and I have an almost obsessive affinity for meaningful words and inspirational quotes. This passage of writing? It was written just for me, I'm convinced of it, at least in that moment.
The next day in Institute, we studied the same book.
That night, my best friend sent me a quote from a talk by Chieko Okasaki that reiterated everything I'd read.
I got the message. Despite feeling like I was the only one in the world feeling like this--I wasn't alone, and someone did understand every aspect of what I was feeling.
Fast forward to General Conference at the beginning of this month, and I was feeling much better than I had been. There was still this obnoxious little ache every time I was reminded of what I was missing, but I'd accepted the way things were going.
I was just confused about where to go now.
In seminary, I was taught to go into Conference Weekend with any questions I needed answered--so I did.
I got off work and turned on the radio in my car just in time to hear Sister Neill F. Marriott say, "in order to have a healed and faithful heart, we must first allow it to break."
I'd let my heart break. I was ready for it to be fixed.
The rest of General Conference was full of speakers reiterating the idea that God wants us to have joy, and that we need to let our trials/problems/whatever is causing us pain, go.
We have too much to be happy about--it is time to move on.
Every six months, I go into General Conference with a question on my mind--a question vastly different from the time before. And every time, that question is answered.
That's not to say the problems fix themselves immediately.
Some days my heart hurts and I still don't know exactly what I'm doing. But I am now fully aware of the fact that I am not alone--and that moving on doesn't mean giving up, it just means there is something more out there.
I'm so grateful for not only inspired church leaders and an inspired prophet, but also for friends who listen to the spiritual promptings they receive. General Conference is one of those things I am more grateful for every time it comes around, and I hope I never take it for granted.
Our Heavenly Father is real, and He listens to our every word. The Atonement, although I don't understand it completely and probably never will, is the single most incredible thing that has happened on this Earth. And the church is true--I may not be sure of a lot, but those things I do know, and I believe them with all my heart.
I'm also very competitive and I hate losing.
I don't like being wrong, and I have a really hard time when things don't go my way.
[Yes, I realize these are all weaknesses, and yes, I am working on being better].
Y'all can imagine how well I handled losing relationships I had stubbornly competed for for years despite them never going my way.
NEWSFLASH: I didn't handle it well.
In fact, I threw several tantrums, cried [a lot], and threw a very large pity party for a hot minute.
I'd put a lot of love, emotion, and effort into things I thought were going to last forever--and refused to accept the fact that I was wrong.
If we're being completely honest, I was upset, I was devastated, and I was very, very, very lost. I felt like I'd lost my right arm and I couldn't seem to find my bearings anywhere. You should also know that I hate losing control of anything [or never having it in the first place], and despite everything in my life that was [and still is] going so incredibly right, I felt like I'd completely lost control of everything.
Since I was little, I've been taught to ask for help when I had a problem...and sometimes that asking is simply a whispered prayer when things seem especially hard. So I did that. I asked for any kind of help, advice, anything. Not an hour later, I got a text from a friend asking if I had ever read the book "The Infinite Atonement" by Tad R. Callister. At that point, I hadn't, but she told me to read one of the chapters.
The internet is a wonderful place, and I quickly found what she was talking about. Elder Callister discusses the Atonement in relation to what he says is "suffering unrelated to sin" and said,
"Impossible as it may seem, he has somehow taken upon himself those feelings of inadequacy, sometimes even utter hopelessness, that accompany our rejections and weaknesses."
I'm an English major. I read all the time--and I have an almost obsessive affinity for meaningful words and inspirational quotes. This passage of writing? It was written just for me, I'm convinced of it, at least in that moment.
The next day in Institute, we studied the same book.
That night, my best friend sent me a quote from a talk by Chieko Okasaki that reiterated everything I'd read.
I got the message. Despite feeling like I was the only one in the world feeling like this--I wasn't alone, and someone did understand every aspect of what I was feeling.
Fast forward to General Conference at the beginning of this month, and I was feeling much better than I had been. There was still this obnoxious little ache every time I was reminded of what I was missing, but I'd accepted the way things were going.
I was just confused about where to go now.
In seminary, I was taught to go into Conference Weekend with any questions I needed answered--so I did.
I got off work and turned on the radio in my car just in time to hear Sister Neill F. Marriott say, "in order to have a healed and faithful heart, we must first allow it to break."
I'd let my heart break. I was ready for it to be fixed.
The rest of General Conference was full of speakers reiterating the idea that God wants us to have joy, and that we need to let our trials/problems/whatever is causing us pain, go.
We have too much to be happy about--it is time to move on.
Every six months, I go into General Conference with a question on my mind--a question vastly different from the time before. And every time, that question is answered.
That's not to say the problems fix themselves immediately.
Some days my heart hurts and I still don't know exactly what I'm doing. But I am now fully aware of the fact that I am not alone--and that moving on doesn't mean giving up, it just means there is something more out there.
I'm so grateful for not only inspired church leaders and an inspired prophet, but also for friends who listen to the spiritual promptings they receive. General Conference is one of those things I am more grateful for every time it comes around, and I hope I never take it for granted.
Our Heavenly Father is real, and He listens to our every word. The Atonement, although I don't understand it completely and probably never will, is the single most incredible thing that has happened on this Earth. And the church is true--I may not be sure of a lot, but those things I do know, and I believe them with all my heart.
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