International Badge Day.

Joining a sorority was never part of my "game plan." 

In fact, when I started college, I had absolutely no idea what a sorority was, or that they were even present on Utah State's campus. 

Even after I began learning about Greek life, I was content to sit on the outside and watch. 

It took a lot of research [and a whole lot of doubting, convincing, and questioning] for me to even consider joining. 

Today though, I'm convinced it was one of the best decisions I've made in college. 

So today, I participated in International Badge Day, along with hundreds of thousands of women across the country. 

Not because of the t-shirts, the tumblers, or the socials--but for the 90 women I have standing behind me in everything I do that make me proud to say I'm a Kappa Delta. 

For the women from other houses that share the same ideals and make me proud to be a part of the Greek community. 

For the girls who have truly become my sisters through their daily advice, support, and love and make me proud to be in the family I'm in. 

But most importantly, for me and the person I want to become, and the letters I wear that make me proud to be myself. 

"People ask why I'm in a sorority, and I try to explain all the things a sorority is that we cannot see. A sorority is more than letters on a sweatshirt. More than a gold pin, rituals, an obligation or a way of life. A sorority is learning about people, a sorority is earning respect from others, as well as yourself. A sorority will not solve all of you problems, but I have made good friends and found confidence there to help me take life one step at a time."

Some people's children.

A little while ago, an old friend acquaintance said some things that really upset me. 

It was one of those comments that's usually said in the heat of the moment, or behind a back...and the fact that it was so outright stung. 

The kind of comment that catches you off guard and makes you regret telling a person anything of importance in your life, for the sole reason that they now had ammunition that would hurt. 

In that moment, I started questioning different aspects of my life--wondering if everybody saw them the way that person did. 

If they thought it, everyone could be thinking it.....right? 

And then I realized that ^^^^ was wrong. 

It didn't matter what they thought, all that mattered was what I thought. 

It was my decisions, my life, my choices in question; and their opinion was just that: an opinion. 

I let one person upset me for a hot minute, and I forgot to look around at the people who weren't upsetting me. 

I was so caught up in being offended that I forgot to appreciate the nice people in my life: 

Like Wolfie bringing me a Dr. Pepper randomly. 

Or Hillary showing up with a mini migraine survival kit. 

Or Adrienne's celebratory cookie. 

Or lunch with Ashley.

Or Judy making sure I knew she had my back. 

Or my dad worrying about my headlight and taxes. 

Or my little sister going on a run with me. 

People aren't always nice--and sometimes they're really good at making you feel awful. 

But ultimately, people are really, really, really good. You just have to surround yourself with the right ones. 

Don't slow down.

GUYS. 

As I was going through my countdown app today looking at my many reminders, I realized something. 

Tomorrow? Miss Emily will have been Sister Elliott for six whole months. 

Which means....I GET TO SEE MY BEST FRIEND IN 365 DAYS. 

There'll be a whole lot more of this ^^^^ sooner than you think, but not soon enough for me to handle. 

She's my best friend, my honorary twin, and my adopted sister. 

And having her across the ocean in Paris has just about killed me. 

She's a whole year out, which got me thinking about how much can change in a year. 

Last year at this time: 

-I was still a journalism major

-We said goodbye to Sam and sent him off to Guam
-President Monson made the announcement of the missionary age change that has rocked every aspect of most of our world's for the last little while

-I was still going home on the weekends to work at a little Mexican restaurant

Now? I've changed my major twice, Sam's (and everybody else and their dog) is creeping up on his year mark, and I've worked at the same restaurant for almost a year.

I've worked an entire summer as an A-Teamer, joined a sorority, been in two other singles' wards,  and moved three times. 

If you'd told me a year ago--the me that didn't leave the apartment building or do anything with anyone other than her roommates--that I'd be juggling two jobs, 15 credits, and the friends I have all over campus, I probably would have laughed in your face. 

But time changes thing, and we learn things about ourselves we never would have without that change. 

Without change, I never would have found the second home I have in Logan, or the adopted families I have in Kappa Delta, A-Team, or my favorite SigEp boys. 

Without change, I'd still be hating my classes and not looking forward to school. 

Without change, I wouldn't have started talking to my friends from high school again and wouldn't have Sam, Jackson, Jared, Jon and Bronson as close as I do. 

Without change, I'd probably still be sitting on my couch in my apartment, associating only with the people I went to high school with, and not doing anything to get involved at Utah State. 

The moral of the story is, a lot can change in a year, and change isn't always bad. It can actually be a really good thing. 

Em's been gone six months, and I already know we're both growing in ways we never imagined. 

She's still got a year left, and who know's what will be different by the time she gets home. 

All I know is that I'm happy with where I'm headed and with the person I'm becoming.......but mostly I just can't wait to have my best friend home. 

Let the countdown begin!

Take a breath.

I'm an English major, with an emphasis in Literary Studies. 

Which basically means that for 80% of my classes, I read a book, and then either write an essay about how I felt about said book or talk about it in class. 

I get to read, write, and talk for my homework. 

It's wonderful. 

But even with all the new material I get to read, nothing makes me happier than being able to sit down on the couch in my pajamas, and read my favorite book on the planet: Alexandre Dumas' The Count of Monte Cristo.

I read this book as a sophomore in high school, and have read it repeatedly since--and I mean the full, unabridged version. I'm that girl. 

I fall more and more in love with the Count every time. 

I want to be Mercedes, and I want a love like her and Edmond's. 

And I cry every single time I get to this letter. 

Sometimes I feel like my life is a constant battle between two extremes--much like Edmond mentions here. 

Attitude changes everything. 

We're all going to have bad days. But rather than throwing a tantrum (my usual method of coping), look at it this way. You're having a bad day, yes. But how lucky are we to know that it's bad, because we have something equally as good to compare it to. 

You're going to be lonely sometimes, it happens. But think about all the friends you've spent time with that you're missing in that moment. 

Some days, you're going to be so busy you don't have a single minute to yourself. In the seconds between running out the door and starting your car, consider yourself lucky to be active, and look forward to the breathing time you'll get eventually. 

Life sucks sometimes, it really does. You get pushed around, kicked while you're down, and don't seem to have time to recover. But you wouldn't know how bad that felt unless you'd experienced the other end of the spectrum: the moments you laughed until you cried, that time you watched the sunset with your best friends, or that ice cream cone that just made your week. 

Life is all about balance; weighing the good against the bad, and vice versa. 

This morning, I was scheduled to work at 5:30 a.m. If that wasn't bad enough, I slept through my alarms, and woke up to a call from one of my coworkers asking if I was coming. 

I got to work completely flustered, and feeling like I was never going to catch up--and it wasn't even 6 a.m!

Then they informed us that a tour bus of 45 people was coming in--in the middle of the lunch rush. They needed me to stay until 1:30 or so...and I had a speech to give at 2:30. 

I got home from work at 1:45, submitted my less-than-stellar outline in record time, and sped up to my class as fast as possible.

I gave my speech, and came home, relieved that I'd survived that part of my day. 

This morning was crazy, and I could barely stand on my own two feet by this afternoon. 

But then I got to watch the KD's play football in the rain, worked on a fashion design project with miss Hayley (while we watched High School Musical), and then got to relax and watch part of Hercules with one of my best friends. 

By the time I got into bed a little while ago, the good things had almost completely overshadowed the longer parts of my day, and everything was OK again.

Balance, people. It's important. 

Next time you're running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, you can't seem to catch a break, or when you want to move to a cave in Siberia...remember how lucky you are to be as happy as you were. Not many people get to experience such a wide range of emotions. 

And like the Count said, Wait, and hope.

The bad days won't last forever--and the good days will make everything worth it. 

Never saw it coming.

"Let us strive for that which is honorable, beautiful, and highest." 

This is the motto of Kappa Delta, my newest love and the letters I now wear proudly. 

After a summer of debating, a week of convincing, and a night filled with the "go for it" mindset, I officially made this place my home. 

I never saw myself joining a sorority--we all know the stereotypes involved here. But after associating myself with Utah State's Greek community all summer, I knew I wanted to be involved..but I didn't realize that's what I wanted until I listened to Kappa Delta's purpose and philanthropy. 

Remember when I wrote this post? 

As fate would have it, Kappa Delta's philanthropy includes the Girl Scouts, and a program called the Confidence Coalition. This program was founded to help young girls and women develop self confidence and a healthy body image, as well as find healthy, lasting relationships and love themselves and their bodies. 

By working with the local girl scouts and hosting events like Healthy Relationships Week, Kappa Delta works to inspire confidence in girls and women alike. 

I already knew I was passionate about the cause, so I decided I had a decision to make. 

I don't fit the stereotype for a sorority girl. 

I don't wear high heels--in fact, I'm pretty sure it's physically impossible for me to walk in them. 

I don't like Starbucks. 

There are few things on this planet I hate more than Diet Coke. 

BUT. 

Walking into the KD house on Preference night, I knew I'd fit in there. 

We're all different; we're studying different things, going different places, and we're all from different backgrounds. 

But we all have goals, dreams, and plans. We all want to make a difference. We all stand for something. 

KD just gives us a common foundation, a home away from home, and the confidence to stand on our own two feet--backed by dozens of sisters that will stand by us til the end. 

So here's to the green and the pearls...because I'm now a Kappa Delta girl. 

Sounds like a memory.

This week will probably go down in history as the most flawless week in the history of the world. The sun has been shining every day, school has been actually making sense, and I've just decided that life is wonderful. In Institute the other day, our teacher put up a quote that said,

  color your tomorrows with the best of your yesterdays.

And I guess I liked it a lot. Because the things I remember about my yesterdays make all my tomorrows better. I hate when people say things like, "forget the past, you don't live there." Yes, it is good to move on. And being human, I've made a lot of really, really, really dumb decisions. But I've also made a lot of really, really, really good ones. And I don't want to forget any of the good choices I made. 

Like choosing to go to Utah State. 

And room with these girls. 

Or making these boys my best friends. 

Because between these kids and high school, I've had a pretty stellar existence. Some of my favorite memories revolve around these people, and I'm so glad I can call them my friends. 

Along those same lines...I love the ability our brains have to remember things when we catch a certain scent, or hear a song, or see a place. 

I love how the smell of Burberry London takes me back to the summer of my sophomore year and my first date. 

I love how listening to E.T. by Katy Perry makes me feel like I'm driving down Main Street in Farmington. 

I love how the smell of chlorine takes me back to babysitting Daniel and Will McKay at Cherry Hill or another late-night pool party at Bronson's. 

I love how driving past Cemetery Park reminds me of heart to hearts with all my friends and some of the best talks I've ever had.
I love how the taste of soy sauce makes me feel like I'm at Mandarin Friday and am digging through my purse for the "four dolla for you..."

I love how listening to Taylor Swift's Speak Now album sounds like I'm driving to a hockey game in Bountiful. 

I love how walking through Logan with the sun shining, and the sounds of spring starting to come out reminds me of how incredibly lucky I am to be where I am. 

Because with a view like this, there's a lot to be happy about. 

One day down.

I graduated from seminary today. (!!!!!!!!) One graduation done, one to go. Basically, I'm terrified/scared/nervous/stoked/amazed/excited to be graduating. Because for soo long, we all dream of graduating, of moving on; and now that it's here, I really don't know what to do. So as I sat on my driveway pondering life with one of my best friends, I started thinking about everything I've done/wanted to do/never accomplished.

-I wanted to be a photographer. I took photography classes sophomore year, and have mindlessly searched photography tips for hours on end. But I guess I don't have the patience, or something, because it never worked out. However, I have had the chance to do shoots with some fabulous photographers, and I hope I get to do some more soon.
-I wanted to be a class officer/SBO. Ran twice, but it never worked out. Looking back though, it's better that way. I had the opportunity to do so many other things that I wouldn't have been able to if I was busy being official. I did however, get to be part of the junior and senior class committees, which was basically the same thing without the jacket. I'd recommend it to anyone. :)
-I've always wanted to be a designer. I love clothes, color, and fashion, and I stalk websites and blogs continually. This year, I got to be part of the design board for the 2012 Prom Line at Kathleen's Bridal and Formal Wear in Kaysville. It was just a small realization of a silly dream, but it happened. And my prom dress was even more special since I got to help design it.
-I wanted to sing and dance on stage. I have an almost unhealthy obsession with Broadway, and I would have loved to be a part of that. But Musical Productions never worked out, and I haven't been able to find the time for any outside theater either. I have gained a better appreciation for the "arts" though, and I never miss a performance that my friends are in.
-I wanted to be on TV. Stupid, huh? But by participating in D-TV for the last 3 years, I had the chance to do just that every single week. Sure, it wasn't national television or even a local news network. But the people I was with everyday saw it, so it was kind of the same thing.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I've done just about everything I wanted to in the last three years. No, I'm not some world renowned photographer, and my voice will never sell millions of CDs. But I'm proud of who I am, and the things I've done. And? I'm more than a little excited for the future.

In a somewhat related side note, I may or may not be participating in the Miss Kaysville-Fruit Heights pageant. We'll see.

Really though, who can say.

Everything is winding down, but I still feel like I have way too much on my plate. Between school, work, YW, youth court, and attempting to maintain some kind of social life while keeping up with my family, I have no time for anything...while still doing everything. It's puzzling, really.
I found a dress for cotillion, (it pays to have an uncle who is dating a girl who wears the same size as you do. WINNING.) but now I've gotta find some fantastic shoes to go with it.
I'm in the home stretch for AP classes, but now I've got to finish Financial Lit. and pass Fit for Life.
Life is a whole bunch of "this, but this," statements, and it's starting to drive me crazy. Welp.

In other news, I have to teach the combined YW lesson this Sunday on the importance of temple marriage and dating for the temple. Somehow, our Heavenly Father has these odd little ways of teaching you what you need to hear by making you prepare it for others. I also have to speak at seminary graduation about how seminary has impacted my testimony of the Savior. Needless to say, I'm a stressing out a little. The second my AP stuff is done, my scriptures are going to have to become my permanent sidekick.

I guess that's another point I need to make, and I'm going to make it in public. I'm moving out in roughly 90 days..which means I have 90 days to cement in my brain the importance of good habits. Scripture study, prayer, exercise, good food...you name it. I need to work on it. I'm so glad I'll be rooming with five girls who share the same standards I do, and who have the same priorities I do. But that doesn't change the fact that I need to work on it for myself. Starting May 17th, the number one goal is building healthy habits. Maybe I'll even document it. Who knows.

All things go.

We graduate in 23 days. My cap and gown are hanging on my bedroom door, and my graduation announcements are being printed. I'm shipping for a dress for Senior Cotillion, and registered for my classes next fall. Scholarship acceptance letters have been sent in, and new leaders have been chosen for all the groups I'm in. Final banquets and awards ceremonies are happening, and orientation is starting for the new kids.


I'm freaking out.
Last weekend, there was a not-so-subtle shift in the directions my life was headed, and this week was a little shaky to say the least. But, everything happens for a reason, right? And we're all headed for bigger and better things, even of we can't see it at the moment.

With everything I've ever known coming to a close, we really are experiencing not only the beginning of the end, but the end of our beginning as well. In less than a month, we'll be out of a school system we've been in for 13 years, moving away from everyone we know, and starting fresh. I

So these last few weeks? I'm going to do what I want. How I want. When I want. Because this is the last chance we have to make a mark, and I intend to. Right now, all things go.

Underwhelming questions.

Most nights, I get in bed around 10 or 10:30....and proceed to lay there, wide awake, until midnight. I'm not doing anything productive, usually sporadically checking Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, email, and Pinterest; but if I could channel all the brain power my mind generates right then, I could pass my AP tests in the first week of school.
Last night was frustrating, stressful, and not very much fun. But! While I was laying there, quite literally nested in my seven thousand blankets and pillows, and twisting my Disney Princess blanket in my hands like there was no tomorrow (it's a nervous habit, and yes, it is Disney. Deal with it.) the conversation in my head went something like this.

"So. NOW what?"
"What do you mean, now what?"
"I mean, this is a change, a big change. It's been a long time since things were like this."
"Maybe, but change is good. Change is real good. It'll all be OK."
"But, what if...."


And I promptly fell asleep. I have a problem with that, falling asleep mid conversation. Granted, it's usually with another person and not just myself, but still.
I woke up this morning and was busy and barely breathing until 7:45 (which really is saying a lot considering I was up at the crack of dawn and had an early morning meeting.) And I got a text from a friend, one I haven't really talked to in a while.

"Hey Ashley! I just wanted to tell you to have such a fantastic day! :) You're a great girl, with such a loving, kind personality. Keep being great. :)...Keep your chin up sug :) and pass it forward. You are wonderful! :)"

Like I said, I don't talk to this friend very often, and she has no idea what's really going on. But that message? Was just what I needed. And just reiterated the fact that no matter what's happening, who's fighting with who, and what is going wrong, someone up there is ALWAYS listening, watching, and looking out for us.

And suddenly, all those overwhelming questions and problems became insignificant.
"It's days like today, when life gets great."


(ALSO. I get to see the band who penned ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ those lyrics tonight with my best friends. Life is alright, I guess....:))

You'll never understand.

Life comes at ya fast, right?

And sometimes it's all you can do to take a step back and just breathe.

We all have problems, but they don't define who we are.

The way we respond and react to them define us.

The way we treat others in the face of trials defines our character.

I have a quote on my mirror that says,

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words.

Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions, for they become habits.

Watch your habits, for they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny."

I try really hard to not let my outlook on life be determined by the challenges I'm facing.

Just like I won't let an impossible run for practice determine my view of the weekend,

I can't let one bad scenario/decision/consequence determine my outlook on the rest of my life.

And while those around me may never understand why I react the way I do sometimes, in the long run only my opinion matters. And I'm happy with the way I respond, at least most of the time.

If anyone has a problem with that, they can deal with it. Once Upon a Time has a quote that says, "Your bad judgment is your problem, not mine."

But they also say, "All you did is show that anyone can change her life."

Our her outlook on life.

Aimer et etre aime.

Love and be loved.

Easier said then done, right?

Especially when it's something you want...but you have a hard time pursuing it.

Let me elaborate.

Your past has a way of effecting the way you look at things in the future.

Sometimes, you lose something, and that makes you feel incapable of finding something like that again. Even when it's staring you right in the face.

You feel...not unworthy, but undeserving (?) of feeling that way again, and you can't give in to what's right there.

I have no problem loving others. [There's only one person in this entire world that I hate. But more on that later.] I love people, love getting to know people, and constantly surround myself with people.

But letting people get close is another story. I have a huge group of friends, but very few of them do I trust with everything and know everything about me. And I'm okay with that.

Oh well. Everything works itself out in time, right?

I have a board on Pinterest that's entirely full of quotes, and I'm only partially obsessed with a majority of them. My favorites?

Here's to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes...because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world are the ones that do.

Every girl deserves someone to remind her that she's beautiful.

People will always stare. Make it worth their while.

Everyone wants happiness, no one wants pain. But you can't make a rainbow, without a little rain.

So this is my life. I want you to know that I'm both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.

I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

Remember kid, there's heroes and there's legends. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.

Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.