Give me a break.

It's "dead" week. 

And for an English major? That means "everything is due at the same time because we're English professors and we don't give real finals" week. 

So naturally, after reading about feminism and sexuality in Dracula and writing a 12-page response to an RFP...I needed a break. 

Life has been--well, actually, I don't know how life has been. It's been happening. That's the best I've got. I'll show you what life has been like lately. 

A lot of my sisters, a lot of my favorite boys, a lot of work, a lot of school. That's what I do--day in and day out. It's been overwhelming lately, and for the last three weeks I've been on the verge of every kind of breakdown [or at least that's what it feels like]. But it's life. And I'm lucky to be where I am with the people I am doing what I am. 

Happy Dead Week, Finals Week, whatever you want to call it week, lovelies! 

Some people's children.

A little while ago, an old friend acquaintance said some things that really upset me. 

It was one of those comments that's usually said in the heat of the moment, or behind a back...and the fact that it was so outright stung. 

The kind of comment that catches you off guard and makes you regret telling a person anything of importance in your life, for the sole reason that they now had ammunition that would hurt. 

In that moment, I started questioning different aspects of my life--wondering if everybody saw them the way that person did. 

If they thought it, everyone could be thinking it.....right? 

And then I realized that ^^^^ was wrong. 

It didn't matter what they thought, all that mattered was what I thought. 

It was my decisions, my life, my choices in question; and their opinion was just that: an opinion. 

I let one person upset me for a hot minute, and I forgot to look around at the people who weren't upsetting me. 

I was so caught up in being offended that I forgot to appreciate the nice people in my life: 

Like Wolfie bringing me a Dr. Pepper randomly. 

Or Hillary showing up with a mini migraine survival kit. 

Or Adrienne's celebratory cookie. 

Or lunch with Ashley.

Or Judy making sure I knew she had my back. 

Or my dad worrying about my headlight and taxes. 

Or my little sister going on a run with me. 

People aren't always nice--and sometimes they're really good at making you feel awful. 

But ultimately, people are really, really, really good. You just have to surround yourself with the right ones. 

Friday Confessions.

Confession #1: I've listened to this song approximately 3,000 times this week.

Confession #2: I've listened to this one just as many.

Confession #3: I stayed up til 2:00 am to finish reading Frankenstein after reading an essay about the monster in Volume III. I've never felt like such a nerd in my whole life--and I loved it.

Confession #4: I've kept a fake engagement ring in my purse since I served a strange table a couple weeks ago. When I realized they were in my section last night, I may or may not have put the ring on and made sure they saw it. Sorry dudes, I'm not your "perfect woman," and I'm only bringing you the sandwich you requested because it's my job...#sorrynotsorry

Confession #5: I shamelessly stalked Awkward Girls for a long time in order to find some kind of outfit inspiration. All I found was a ton of clothing I didn't have, but seem to need.

Confession #6: I made a countdown on my phone for the Katy Perry concert. The amount of fangirling my big and I are going to do is unreal. [241 days. I also may have tried to talk myself into dyeing my hair that color.]

Confession #7: I ugly cried for a solid six minutes and 42 seconds while I watched this video. 

Confession #8: I scoured Pinterest and Etsy for far too long trying to find something that combined giraffes and Audrey Hepburn in a way that wasn't atrocious. Nothing. 

Here's to one of my favorite weekends of the year...because for some reason, the SuperBowl is the only day I feel like I can eat whatever I want and not have it counteract everything I've been doing at the gym. 

Happy Friday, folks! 

Happy New Year!

To say that 2013 was good to me would be an understatement. 

Here's my favorite moments of the last 365. [In no particular order, because I know someone *cough* Brian *cough* Wolfie* will say something about it.]

Sunday drives around Logan with my roommates--particularly those to the Lonely Bench. Because sometimes, it's easier to deal with life when you're singing along to Taylor Swift as loud as you can with your five best friends. 

Surviving my first year of college; not just with a decent GPA, and my life, but also without a ring on my left hand. 

Conquering my fourth Ragnar, even though the amount of training I did was equal to the amount of Olympic gold medals I have. 

St. George trip with the remaining Snitches. We discovered Swig, Friends at 2 am, and spent absurd amounts of time by the pool. 

SOAR days. Whether it was scooping a dozen gallons of ice cream, trying to calm down yet another angry parent, or giving "tours" on the shuttle--my summer job was the best I'll ever have. 

Designing this "Recycled Fashion" dress. After 15 hours, 2,500 puzzle pieces and almost 100 hot glue sticks--we won Best in Show. What can I say, we're well-rounded. 

Getting 95+ new sisters and developing an affinity for green and white. Kappa Delta is just what I needed in terms of support, motivation, and fun.

It might not have been my favorite part--but sending these guys out on their missions has definitely changed my life. Hearing about their experiences and watching their testimonies grow has strengthened mine, and I'm so proud of all of them. Here's to 2014 bringing them all home.

Documenting the last time the Snitches were all together--and all single. Next time we're all together, there'll be wedding rings involved.

Summer adventures with my #twerkteam. Whether we were swimming in fountains, watching fireworks in Huntsville, cliff jumping at Bloomington or watching yet another movie on the LoveSac, I'm so grateful I met these people and am even more grateful that I can call them some of my closest friends. 

Starting [and being almost done with!] my second year of college. Still not quite sure what exactly I'm going to do with a degree in English Literature...but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

Coming home to my family is my favorite thing. Between hearing my little sisters running through the house and going on late-night shake runs with my little brother, or shopping with my parents--home is definitely my favorite place to be. 

2013 was different. I moved apartments multiple times, and worked two jobs. I said goodbye to the people I care most about--and found friends that I love just as much. I changed my major once, and my hair color more than once [which is evident as you scroll through the pictures. Whoops.]. And I learned a lot about myself. 

So here's to you, 2013. For teaching me that I can do things on my own, and that change is OK. For helping me get out of my comfort zone, and showing me what's important. 

And here's to 2014, for bringing me back the people I love most and for even more adventures, learning, and change. If 2014 is half as good to me as this year has been, I'll be a happy girl. 

Cheers to a new year, and another chance for us to get it right.

Take a breath.

I'm an English major, with an emphasis in Literary Studies. 

Which basically means that for 80% of my classes, I read a book, and then either write an essay about how I felt about said book or talk about it in class. 

I get to read, write, and talk for my homework. 

It's wonderful. 

But even with all the new material I get to read, nothing makes me happier than being able to sit down on the couch in my pajamas, and read my favorite book on the planet: Alexandre Dumas' The Count of Monte Cristo.

I read this book as a sophomore in high school, and have read it repeatedly since--and I mean the full, unabridged version. I'm that girl. 

I fall more and more in love with the Count every time. 

I want to be Mercedes, and I want a love like her and Edmond's. 

And I cry every single time I get to this letter. 

Sometimes I feel like my life is a constant battle between two extremes--much like Edmond mentions here. 

Attitude changes everything. 

We're all going to have bad days. But rather than throwing a tantrum (my usual method of coping), look at it this way. You're having a bad day, yes. But how lucky are we to know that it's bad, because we have something equally as good to compare it to. 

You're going to be lonely sometimes, it happens. But think about all the friends you've spent time with that you're missing in that moment. 

Some days, you're going to be so busy you don't have a single minute to yourself. In the seconds between running out the door and starting your car, consider yourself lucky to be active, and look forward to the breathing time you'll get eventually. 

Life sucks sometimes, it really does. You get pushed around, kicked while you're down, and don't seem to have time to recover. But you wouldn't know how bad that felt unless you'd experienced the other end of the spectrum: the moments you laughed until you cried, that time you watched the sunset with your best friends, or that ice cream cone that just made your week. 

Life is all about balance; weighing the good against the bad, and vice versa. 

This morning, I was scheduled to work at 5:30 a.m. If that wasn't bad enough, I slept through my alarms, and woke up to a call from one of my coworkers asking if I was coming. 

I got to work completely flustered, and feeling like I was never going to catch up--and it wasn't even 6 a.m!

Then they informed us that a tour bus of 45 people was coming in--in the middle of the lunch rush. They needed me to stay until 1:30 or so...and I had a speech to give at 2:30. 

I got home from work at 1:45, submitted my less-than-stellar outline in record time, and sped up to my class as fast as possible.

I gave my speech, and came home, relieved that I'd survived that part of my day. 

This morning was crazy, and I could barely stand on my own two feet by this afternoon. 

But then I got to watch the KD's play football in the rain, worked on a fashion design project with miss Hayley (while we watched High School Musical), and then got to relax and watch part of Hercules with one of my best friends. 

By the time I got into bed a little while ago, the good things had almost completely overshadowed the longer parts of my day, and everything was OK again.

Balance, people. It's important. 

Next time you're running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, you can't seem to catch a break, or when you want to move to a cave in Siberia...remember how lucky you are to be as happy as you were. Not many people get to experience such a wide range of emotions. 

And like the Count said, Wait, and hope.

The bad days won't last forever--and the good days will make everything worth it. 

Here's to summer.

Here's to new adventures, new jobs, and new apartments.

Here's to tiki masks, dance parties, midnight movies on LoveSacs, and trading hoodies. 

Here's to hours of night games, hiding under bunk beds, inside showers, and behind closet doors. 

Here's to riding on a mattress in the back of the Suburban, jumping off cliffs, and swinging on ropes.
Here's to best friend alerts, the Twerk Team, and a summer fling. 

Here's to a thousand McDonald's runs, sushi nights, and a dozen trips to PacSun. 

Here's to too many people in a car, being Beyonce's staff in Ikea, and dysfunctional family dinners.
Here's to paint twister, lunch dates, and campus golf.
Here's to freshmen stalkers, staff sanities, and finding a thousand and one ways to wear grey t-shirts. 

Here's to road trips, Dirty Dr. Peppers, sugar cookies, and Friends marathons. 

Here's to fountain swimming, statue climbing, hallway dancing, and firework mishaps.
Here's to 7 am meetings, 21 hour work days, and double jobs.
Here's to midnight drives, the Fourth of July in Huntsville, and JT jam sessions.
Here's to this summer, the memories made to tide us over until next year, and the friends that came with the summer.
Here's to summer, and here's to us. 

We can't stop.

When your daily routine gets a little too routine, and you're out of adventures to go on, you have to get a little creative. 

This would be us [the #TwerkTeam] running around campus at midnight in our swimsuits. Shenanigans, dance parties, and foreign activities took place. 

Being the classy individuals that we are, sushi is always a yes. But in case you were wondering, sushi + ice cream in the same night is always a no. 

And when we all finally have a day off work, we caravan up to Bloomington Lake. With a rope swing, cliffs to jump, crystal clear water, a group of my best friends, and a view like this....

you can't go wrong. I could live on the side of this lake and not feel bad about it for a second. You really don't need much more in life than water, sunshine, a rope swing, and cliffs to jump off of.

 When two of your friends haven't been to Ikea...you pile six people into a five person car, and make the two hour drive to Draper. You play house for two hours, fail to buy the couch we went there for in the first place, and introduce the bunch of crazies you spend every day with to your family [this picture epitomizes Brian. So he gets to deal with it. That, and it was the only picture that we took on my phone all day].

When Trent needs help with a video about AED's for campus, Wolfie "dies" and Big Blue takes off his shirt.  

[Bonus: I got to hang out with Big Blue all day.]

And even after all these crazy adventures, sometimes there's nothing I'd rather do than sit on Braxton's bed with my favorite boys and watch them play video games, Tinder, or listen to Selena Gomez until way too early in the morning--even if it involves dozens of pictures of Trent&Sherlock, Brian, and ____ Braxy Brax.

I guess I'm just very very glad I met--and got to really know--these boys this summer. I was worried about not having people to do stuff with...but that fear disappeared very quickly. 

Brian, Trent, Michael, and Braxton [and the rest of the SigEp boys + the other A-Teamers] made this summer a blast and a half. Whether we were doing back flips off a rope swing, fighting with pool noodles in the basement, playing watching Minecraft on Braxton's bed, hitting up McDonald's for yet another large drink in a styrofoam cup, attending Beyonce Home Evening, playing Snapchat telephone, swimming in the fountains, twerking all over campus, or fighting over what movie to watch on LoveSacs...I had a blast. 

S/O to the #twerkteam for a perfect summer, and for becoming some of my best friends. I guess I kinda like you people. 

19 years young.

Maria from Sewn by Maria nominated me for a Liebster award! I've seen these around the blogs I follow, and never would have guessed I'd get one. Probably one of the coolest birthday surprises I've had today! 

Here's what the Liebster Award is:

The definition:
Liebster is German for sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. How nice is that?
Blogging is about building a community and it's a great way to connect with other bloggers and help spread the word about newer bloggers and blogs.

The rules:

1. Thank your Liebster Blog Award presenter on your blog and link back to the blogger who presented this award to you.
2. Answer the 11 questions from the nominator, list 11 random facts about yourself, and create 11 questions for your nominees.
3. Present the Liebster Blog Award to 11 other blogs of 200 followers or less who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog to let them know they have been chosen.
4. Copy/paste the blog award on your blog.

11 Questions from Maria:

1. Why do you blog? I'm an English Literature major, and writing has always been my happy place. I love words, and I love meeting and finding out about new people. Blogging is my favorite outlet to do just that. I was also a layout/graphic design manager for my high school, and blogging lets me do a little bit more of what I love. I miss working on layout and design more than any other part of high school, and this lets me experiment in my own way! 
2. Dogs or Cats? Honestly, I'm not much of an animal person. But I think I'd choose dogs. My family has a German Shepherd, and we...tolerate...each other. But I'm not huge on animals. 
3. What is your favorite color? Grey. Dumb as it sounds, it's true. Or purple. 
4. What is the strangest food you've ever eaten? I really don't think any food is that strange! My family loves sushi, so we eat a lot of that raw fish, caviar, seaweed. I love calimari as well. I'm not a picky eater by any stretch of the imagination! I just really don't like milk or bananas. That's it! 

5. What is your favorite movie? I really love all movies! Some of my favorites are 17 Again, Safe Haven, Taken, Get Smart, Funny Face, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Miracle, Mean Girls...
6. What's your favorite music genre? Anything but rap. I'm a huge country fan--it's on my bucket list to see Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood before I die--but I also love artists like Fall Out Boy, Jimmy Eat World, Mayday Parade, Go Radio, We Are the In Crowd, Bon Iver, Sara Bareilles, Regina Spektor, Ed Sheeran, Of Monsters and Men, and so many more. 
7. What do you want to be when you grow up? ;) A mom. That's really all. :) I'm an English Major, and I've wanted to be a broadcast journalist since I was little. But ultimately, I just want my own family to take care of. 

8. If you got to name your own planet, what would you name it? Pluto. He got gipped. 

9. Who is your hero? My grandma. She passed away when I was a sophomore, and I still consider that one of the hardest experiences of my life. I learned so much about family, grief, and myself...but I wouldn't want to go through that again for all the money in the world. My grandma was the perfect example of love, service, and selflessness. I just hope I can be half the person she was some day! 

10. What is your favorite holiday and why? I LOVE the Fourth of July. Fireworks, BBQs, friends, and it's in the middle of the summer. I just love America, I guess. 
11. What is your favorite family tradition? Not a very sentimental one, but I love it anyway: when I was in elementary school, a really good family friend fell off his roof putting Christmas lights up [he was OK, don't worry!]. In an attempt to make light of a scary situation, my family created a mannequin in honor of him, and placed him on our roof so that it looked like he was falling as well. Our neighbors loved it so much that we have continued to place Steve on our roof in various poses every year since! We recently moved to another house in our neighborhood, and people now drive INTO our culdesac just to see Steve. Inventing his pose and watching people's reactions as they see him is one of my favorite family traditions. 

11 Random facts about ME:

1. I'm currently a student at Utah State--and I'll be an Aggie til the day I die, but I want to go to cosmetology school someday and open my own salon.
2. I love Audrey Hepburn. 

3. I'm a natural blonde, and my hair is naturally curly. Hair-dye and my flat iron have become my best friends over the years. 

4. I was the Computer Technology Sterling Scholar for the Northwest Region of Utah [and I have absolutely no idea how computer coding or any of that stuff works. Thank heavens for layout and design].

5. I don't like dessert unless it's chocolate. Anything else is a waste of calories. 

6. I'd be completely satisfied if the only foods left on Earth were avocados and chocolate ice cream. 

7. I have an aunt that is two years younger than me, and an uncle that is two years older. 
8. I probably talk more than anybody else on the planet. The first time I came home from school, my parents looked at each other and said, "I finally figured out why it's so quiet now. You talk so much, Ashley!" Whoops. Like I said, I love words. 

9. I don't have a single athletic bone in my body, but I love to run. I've completed the Ragnar Wasatch Back four times! 

10. I can name just about any font in the Adobe Creative Suite and I'm a closet art history nerd. I took AP Art History my senior year and have never loved reading a textbook more in my life. 

11. I once spent an entire summer in Nauvoo performing in the Nauvoo pageant for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. 

My Blogger Nominees:
1. Bre from all about bre.  We went to high school together, and I'm in love with her and Dalton's relationship [Dalt also happens to be one of my best friend's cousins]!

2. Mckenzie from Makin' the Most of the Moments. One of my roommates and very best friends in the whole world. 

3. Jessica from Oh the Blissful Life.  Jess has the cutest style, some great tutorials, and I just adore her. 

4. Karli from After the Manner of Happiness. Cutest love story ever. Pretty sure she doesn't even know I exist, but I'm in love with her blog.  

11 Questions for my Nominees:

1. What is one food you couldn't live without? 

2. If you could go anywhere in the world by any means of transportation, where would it be and how? 

3. You've invented a candy. What's it called? What does it taste like?
4. Three celebrities you want to be best friends with? 

5. Most irrational fear that you have? 

6. What is your favorite line of song lyrics?
7. One movie you wish you had been cast in?
8. What item on your bucket list are you most excited to complete?
9. Least favorite TV show? 

10. What Disney princess are you most like? 

11. What is your pet peeve? 

Thank you again for the nomination, Maria! 

It's still weird.

It's been a year since I graduated from high school. A whole stinking year. 

Freaky how fast time flies without you realizing it. 

I posted this picture on my instagram account for my #tbt post of the week, and it made me think about how much has happened in the last 12 months. 

-I ran my third Ragnar relay (and my fourth happens in 21 days. I've already resigned myself to the fact that I'm dying on the trail). 

-I turned 18, and celebrated my birthday with 12 of my favorite people over a weekend in Park City.

 -I moved up to school with five of the best friends I've ever had...and have now sent one on a mission, one leaving in just under 70 days, one home to go to a different school, and found an apartment for the three of us left. 

 -I started hanging out with these boys again, and have watched my best friends leave on their missions (four months down today!). 

-I made USU's A-Team, changed my major twice, and survived a whole year of college on my own. 

It's weird to look back over a year and see how much has changed and how much I've accomplished in what seems like such a small amount of time. 

Girls my age are getting married, some of the boys have been gone almost a whole year, and I haven't seen some of the kids I grew up with in months. 

High school was great--for the most part--but I'm loving this whole "real world" thing. That doesn't mean it's necessarily all fun and games, but college definitely has it's perks; and I love every single minute of it. 

That said...here's a list of things I want to do by the time I'm 20 (which is about a year from now). 

What are some things you'd add/want to do? 

Reason for being.

Watch this before you read any farther. 

Monday morning, I moved into my apartment for the summer...not fully realizing what I was getting myself into. 

Last time I moved into an apartment I had my best friend with me, and four other girls moving in with us that I knew from school, EFY, and Girls' State. We were in a building with tons of kids I knew from high school, and everyone was moving in the same time.

This time I moved in to an apartment with 10 girls I've never met, three days before anyone else, and all my friends were at home in Kaysville or Farmington. 

Monday night, I was so bored and lonely I could barely handle it. I read my whole book for Connections, wrote three missionary letters, and organized my already clean closet. I woke up Tuesday morning to go to work, went on a run, and then went back into work at nine p.m. I got home and couldn't help but wonder what all my friends were doing. 

I was in a huge house, with two girls I'd never met, and was missing my family and best friends more than ever. 

I checked Facebook on my phone (because I had no idea what the wifi password was, and it was 1 am), and watched this video that my uncle made, and honestly it was just what I needed to hear. 

While we're growing up, we make our friends the most important part of our lives. We're dependent on them for everything--how to dress, what to do on the weekends, and what to say. 

I was no different; my best friends were my world. 

Then they started leaving on missions. Now I'm sending letters to Michigan, Paris, Honduras, Ghana, and Washington. Some of them moved home for the summer, or for good. Some of them have gotten married. 

I found myself fending for myself more than I'd like (I hate quiet, and I hate being alone. I'm definitely a people person). 

I also found that I didn't mind it. As much as I hate being by myself, I've learned that my friends and family--while incredibly important to me, and a very large part of who I am--aren't the reason that I exist. 

Like Andy says in that video, we shouldn't define ourselves by who we hang out with, or the things we have. Who we are is based on what we do. 

With that in mind, I decided that it's my job to be the best "me" possible. 

Whether that's by being the best A-Teamer I can be, studying English better than any other Aggie, or doing everything I can to get to cosmetology school someday....it's up to me. 

Ultimately, it comes down to how I can answer my Grandma's question of "Are you being good?" 

Am I living to up to my utmost potential, and accomplishing everything I can?
Or am I simply existing? 

In an earlier post, I said we're only given one shot at college--and it was our job to make it the best experience possible. The same goes for our lives; we've got one shot to prove we did what we wanted. Why waste a second of it just existing? 

Live. 

You learn something new.

From work:

There are three reasons Americans are overweight: ranch dressing, french fries, and syrup.
We have a different favorite pie depending on the night...if a pie isn't cut and ready to serve, we won't recommend it. Easy as that. 

You can be the cutest boy I've seen in Logan, but if you don't tip well? There's no hope. 

If you come in with a party bigger than 10 people, there is a good chance I hate you. 

There are very few words that make me happier than "You're cut," and few words that make me angrier than "We're just getting pie."
We remember how well you tip, and will serve you accordingly. [We're shallow like that, sometimes.]
If you come in 20 minutes before we close and order a full meal, chances are that we definitely hate you.
The customer is always right. Even when they're wrong...they're right.

From my roommates: 

Ethnic hair products should never be used on a white girl's hair. 

Don't overfeed your fish. 

Mason jars are terrifying. 

There's no problem in life that Pringles or Ben & Jerry's [or both] can't solve. 

Toaster Strudels are a nutritious part of this complete breakfast.
No one loves their mailbox more than Snow 102.
There is absolutely nothing irrational about making a cake at 3 am, eating multiple paninis in one day, doing laundry at one o'clock in the morning,  or watching Phantom of the Opera three times in 24 hours.
"It's finals week" is the perfect rationale for any food purchase.
We will go to great lengths to get to Taco Tuesday.
Missionary letters are better than 42 Dr. Peppers.

From being in college:
Creative Arts is the most pointless class in the history of college classes.
High school journalism classes are VERY different from college journalism classes.
The 12:00 Aggie Shuttle can explode your personal bubble in .3 seconds.
BlueZone is never reliable.
The words "FREE FOOD" will get most college students to do just about anything. [Actually, free anything makes us pretty happy campers.]
It's easier to wait a week to do laundry when you go home than to pay $2.25 at the Lundstrom.
I thought I was a decent cook. College has taught me otherwise.
Finals Week is nothing like AP Week, regardless of what your teachers tell you. Unless AP week suddenly involves 3 am McDonald's runs for yet another caffeinated drink, 12 hour days in the library, and enough popcorn to fill a small house, then no. They're nothing alike.
My parents know a lot more than I thought, and I need them a lot more than I thought I would. On the same note, my siblings aren't quite as obnoxious as I thought they were.
PDA is much more prominent on a college campus.
Being an adult isn't as much fun as we thought it would be when we were little.
College social life usually starts about the time I had to be home to make curfew in high school.
And last, but definitely not least, Utah State is the best place on the freaking planet. 

If you say so.

 My Friday nights are better than yours. Guaranteed. I got off work way earlier than I thought I was going to, and everybody else had plans...so we went to Hasting's. Rented The Lucky One and Sweet Home Alabama and didn't move off our couch for four straight hours. It was blissful. There's just something about Zac Efron and Patrick Dempsey that make staying in on a Friday night completely worth it. [that, and the fact that I have a legitimate ice cream problem. Ben & Jerry are my best friends. My roommates just laugh at me.]

 Good news, kids! We've finally how to keep our sink empty. We're really good at doing dishes...and stacking them up nicely, we're just rather awful at putting them away. [This picture was taken a week and a half ago...and even thought that particular load has been put away, we've got another pile.]

When my family doesn't answer my FaceTime calls, and I exclaim that they don't really love me that day, Kenzie decides to FaceTime me instead. From the opposite side of the couch. 

While Kenzie loves me...Emi abuses me. The remaining potatoes in our 25lb bag may or may not have started sprouting...and I wasn't okay with it. I have a large problem with expiration dates, moldy food, and unnatural growths on food. Anytime I said something snotty or sarcastic--which happens more often than not--Emi would pull these out and try and touch me with them. It was not okay.

I promised Bronson's mom chocolate peanut butter cupcakes the next time I was home, so when I was home Sunday afternoon, I figured I might as well employ my little sisters to help me make them. Mary probably ate more uncooked batter than actual cupcake, but she's also the best helper I have. She's one of my best friends and the best part about coming home. 

 It's mid-term week at USU...and I'm loving it. Not a single one of my classes has an actual midterm exam, and next week is Spring Break. I've got a research essay to write and I have to read The Awakening for my literary analysis class, but none of that is even due until after spring break. [Side note: after spring break? I only have 12 days left of classes. One of the many benefits of only having school two days a week!]

Just hold on.

Having all your best friends gone or in the process of leaving gives you a new perspective on life. 

I used to spend every day trying to figure out ways to spend time with them and keep them happy, and now? I've got all the time in the world to make me happy. Rather than driving home every weekend to be with friends, I spend my weekends doing my best to make sure I make something of myself while they're out changing lives. 

And it's been wonderful. 

Wednesday night, I spent a solid 8 1/2 hours in the library. Studying, writing my English papers, and actually doing my homework. I took time to really think about what I was doing and put effort into the research I was doing. I wrote in my journal for the first time in a week and a half. Wrote way too many pages of missionary letters. Emailed some high school seniors about the wonders of USU and answered way too many questions about graduation requirements and on-campus housing. Looked over my runs for Ragnar and died a little inside. Did a whole lot of soul searching. 

I realized a few things. 

1. I'm much more productive when I'm by myself. I hate every second of being alone, mind you, but I can focus and the distractions are limited to making sure I like the song playing in my headphones and finding more ice to chew on.

And 2. I'm a very, very, very lucky girl. I have parents who love and support me in everything I do. Siblings who make me smile everyday. Roommates who I love like the five extra sisters I never had. Boys who go out of their way to make me happy. Two jobs that I love doing, keep me busy, and allow me to do whatever I want. I'm going to school where I've always wanted to. I'm studying something I love.  

  And as weird as it may sound, I'm glad I miss these kids. Because it means I have some incredible examples and amazing friends out there. 

I have a quote on one of my pinboards that says "...I learned a lot about being a friend when I was alone." And it's so true. My friends are just starting out on their 18-24 months adventures, and I can already tell how much they're changing, and I can see myself changing too...all in such good ways. I've learned to take more time for myself, and focus on what I need; all while making sure I'm not missing a single opportunity to do something kind for those around me. It's changed my perspective on a lot of things. I'm more grateful for what I have, that's for sure. And more excited to have everyone home again in a couple years because I actually know how lucky I am now. 

I guess the moral of the story is...my life is great. And it feels good to finally be content with where you are, what you're doing, and who you're becoming. 

You wouldn't have guessed.

I'm deathly afraid of spiders [they send me into shaking, hyper-ventilating, full-on panic mode]. My favorite color is either purple or grey, and I hate the color pink; I think I own maybe two articles of pink clothing in my entire wardrobe. I'm an English major, who wants nothing more than to go to cosmetology school. I idolize Audrey Hepburn and Katy Perry. I really do love being a waitress. As dumb as that sounds, I get to interact and talk to tons of different people each day, every day is different, and I'm constantly moving. My hand-eye coordination level is zero, as is my sense of time. I have the worst attention span in the universe: at this very second, I have twelve internet tabs open, Instagram reloading on my phone, and Pandora playing in the background. I only focus on the things I really care about, or when something is very important...like my Relief Society lessons, or my English homework. I never stop reading. I'll read anything and everything you give me, and will probably annotate the crap out of it and pick out quotes that I love from every thing I read. I brush my teeth probably twelve million times a day, because I hate the way it feels after you eat. I want twins more than anything else in this whole world. I want to live in a big city, maybe for just a summer. Somewhere like New York City. Or Chicago. Or even Seattle or Austin. I want a real city experience...preferably doing something cliche like editing a fashion magazine, being a super hot-topic artist, or producing a hit reality TV show. Personally, I don't think there is anything worse than a Monday morning. I hate Mondays, even though I can never quite say why. I just do. There are few things I want more out of my job than a paycheck that is more than $50.00, or a shift that doesn't end with me covered in salad dressing, syrup, and powdered sugar, or require a full body massage to remove the tennis-ball sized knots from my shoulders. I'm really a natural blonde [don't let the purple hair fool you] and my hair is naturally curly [my blow-dryer and flat-iron are my best friends.] I love peppermint, but only if it's cold enough it makes your eyes water. Extra Polar Ice gum is my weakness in life. I'd take a massive steak over a salad any day of the week; and I probably eat more than most twelve-year-old boys. It's physically impossible for me to walk in high heels. My favorite places in the world are my bed, the sidelines of an ice rink, or anywhere with water and a temperature of more than 80 degrees. I have a real big problem with online shopping. I can't sleep unless I have at least three pillows and all my blankets--flannel sheets, a down comforter, bedspread, heated blanket, and the blanket I got from my family for graduation--on my bed. I sleep in a nest, basically. I'm awful at card games [except Rook. Which I sometimes randomly beat everybody at], and even worse at Liar's Dice. I have a rather impressive collection of maxi skirts and colored denim. I'd rather stay home and watch a movie than go to a party...but I hate being alone, probably more than just about anything. I want to meet Katy Perry someday. I wouldn't mind owning a Yorkshire Terrier. If you get me laughing, there's a good chance you'll see me cry too...I can't laugh without tears, happy ones of course. I don't like dessert unless it's chocolate, and vanilla is just a waste of calories to me. I don't like milk, yogurt, or bananas. My little sisters are my best friends. I am absolutely and completely in love with every single aspect of my busy, bizarre, and beautiful life. 

I know it's you.

Dear Anonymous,
You say I've only heard half the story and I don't know what really happened. To say that, while commenting as an anonymous author says that you are not proud of the way the situation was handled and can't own up to your own actions. If I really didn't know the whole story, you'd say it in person, or at least under your own name. The fact that you can't do that speaks volumes.
According to you, I'm clueless and should just forgive and forget. You are wrong. I know everything. I've read the letters and emails. I've heard both sides of the story from those outside people who got involved. And I've lived it. 
In the nine years this has been going on, you've missed exactly half of my life.
I've graduated Primary, received my Young Womanhood Recognition award, moved from YW to Relief Society, been co-president of a Seminary council, and spoke at Seminary graduation. I graduated from not only elementary school and Jr. High, but High school as well; with no acknowledgment from you. You never saw pictures of me at the Sterling Scholar awards or my high school dance groups. You didn't watch me play lacrosse, or see me cross the finish line for any of my three Ragnar relays. You don't know that I helped design an entire line of prom dresses, am majoring in English, and haven't seen my awards for newspaper design. You weren't there when I went on my first date and you won't be at my wedding.
I may not have participated in the events that led to where we are now, but I have lived the effects for the last decade. I'm not living at home anymore, but being on my own hasn't made the hurt go away. I have my own life, and I'm fending for myself. But I'm still part of my family, and we come as a group. Unless an effort is made for all eight of us, I want nothing to do with a relationship.

It all comes down to the fact that actions speak louder than words.

You can tell me you love me [you always have, always will, never stopped], but I don't believe it.

If you love someone, you go out of your way to make them happy. You don't request that they don't send birthday cards, Christmas letters, or graduation announcements anymore.
If you love someone, you want to spend time with them. You don't intentionally avoid and refuse any contact or meeting.
If you love someone, you speak highly and kindly of them. You don't make false accusations and damage reputations.
Love takes work, and you have to show it in the way you live. It's not a word that can be thrown around to try and prove a point, but rather something that you have to prove by the things you do.
Love is the way my parents check in on me and the way my sisters FaceTime me before bed. Love is the way my best friend makes me laugh even through a letter when I haven't seen him in months and the way my roommates wait up for me to get off work. Love is the way my grandpa never misses a chance to let me know how proud he is of me and the way my home teachers give us blessings before finals week.
Love is more than a bag of cookies and a doily, or a forced conversation and a sealed envelope.

You say you love me and my family, but you don't show it.
I'm sorry I'm not trying to fix this, but I have too many other relationships with people who do love me to focus on, and not a second to spare for those who don't.

Lead me, guide me.

How's my day going so far? Well. Right now, I'm sitting in my apartment checking outside every few seconds to make sure Jon's not losing his mind. Because my window needs fixing, and he got that job thrown at him on Tuesday at approximately 8 o'clock. [Really, it was earlier. Bronson hadn't even left yet and I was having car problems. C'est la freaking vie.] Took my first physics test today, and turned in my first college English paper ever...after sending off my first round of missionary letters to Elder Kunzler, Elder Gerber, and Elder Anderson. It's been a day of firsts, let me tell you. 

Anyway. Last night during our roommate scripture study, we read 1 Nephi 4:6. 

"And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do." 

Reading that, I started thinking of all the things that had happened just that day that were examples of people listening to the Spirit, whether they knew it or not. 

Yesterday was long, and I was exhausted before it was even noon. I got home, made some lunch, and checked my email, where I found a message from my dad. He basically spoke directly to everything that had happened that day. 

"I realized that nothing I say will make the hurt and loneliness magically go away, but I also realize that it is nice to know that someone cares and feels for you." 

Add that to my roommates and their texts and just a million other little things that made me smile, I realized how grateful I am for parents that are in tune with the Spirit enough to know what I need to hear, even when I'm an hour away. 

I went to my A-Team class, a physics review, and then the five of us girls headed over to the library to study some more. As I was going through my notes, another email came through; this one from Bronson's mom, making sure she had my email address, that I'd still come visit, and finally making sure that I was doing okay. 

Now, none of these people knew what I'd been praying for and hoping for that day, and yet every single one of them spoke directly to a specific plea that I'd had that morning. 

My point is...we have a Heavenly Father that knows us. Individually, uniquely, and completely. 

Remember that. 

So it begins.

Sometimes, the window on your car breaks literally seconds after pulling into the parking lot, and you have to use every form of restraint you possess to not let loose a stream of not-so-nice words. Sometimes, you get the last text for two years on your way to Taco Tuesday at Cafe Rio, and lose it, right there in front of your five roommates and the person in the car next to you. Then you get into Cafe Rio and run to Bryan Tew for a hug, because he's the first person you see. [I apologize for ignoring you Blake, Ben, and Bradley. Next time, I'll give you a hug too.]
Sometimes, the only way to keep yourself in check is to curl up in a chair in your family room, turn on Pandora, and lose yourself in the world of Pinterest. Because you know your phone isn't going to be ringing as regularly, and no matter how many times you check it you're not going to have a text, and you don't have the mental capacity to do the homework that is staring you in the face.
Sometimes, your roommates start a scripture study group every night at 10:45, and you start the Book of Mormon over again for the fourth time this year--and no, I have yet to finish it since I moved out. We're working on that. And sometimes, this scripture study suddenly has a more profound impact on you because of all the missionaries you're saying goodbye to. So when you read 1 Nephi 3:6, "Therefore go, my son, and thou shalt be favored of the Lord, because thou hast not murmured," you can't help but be completely overwhelmed with not only the truth of the gospel that your best friends are teaching, but you can't contain the pride and gratitude you have. Because you know that your best friends are favored because they haven't murmured, and you know that they are going to be just fine out there.
Sometimes, the only thing that makes everything okay is the fact that this church is so true. And that makes it okay that you're not going to see some of your friends for a year and a half or two years...because you know that this gospel is worth sharing--worth sharing your friends with the world, and worth them sharing their testimonies.

[Sad story time: This morning, I woke up late and while hurrying to try and make the 7:30 shuttle, I put on mismatched socks. I was the only person on the bus, so naturally I pulled out my phone...and was halfway through a text to him about how he couldn't judge my socks...when I realized that wasn't going to work out so well. Dangit, kid. Now the rest of the world has to learn how to handle my stories. Poor things. The end. This is a happy blog.]

I guess the moral of the story is that even though today's rough, and I'm still figuring out how to spend my time...life is good.
I have some incredible roommates. They have Dr. Pepper waiting for me when I have a long day, and they know how to make me laugh. They make the gospel a priority, and are the best friends and substitute sisters a girl could ask for.
I have some incredible boys in my life. Like Bryan, who makes sure I'm doing alright every time he sees me. Or Jon, who comes over at 11:30 to see what he can do to fix my car, and promises me that he'll make sure I'm taken care of. Or Max, who talks to me until way too early in the morning some nights and is more excited than I am when I make A-Team. ["I can only freak out for so long by myself, Max!" "I'm coming, keep freaking out!!"]
I'm a lucky girl, in every aspect of my life. That's all.